Fearless

I realized that I pick at the skin around my fingernails so much when there are things on my mind. I need to find something else for my hands to do.

What is this thing that makes us want to get close to certain people and not others? People who might not be like us at all; maybe that's what it is - people who intrigue us. We want to learn more about people who are different from us, maybe people who are mysterious, who are closed. We try to open them up. That's what worries me about being so open sometimes; there will be nothing left to know for anyone to be interested in me at all. Often the trouble is that we want what we can't have. If we do have it, then other complications arise. We might not want it any more because we begin to take advantage of it. We might begin to build up a fear of losing it. 

I just had a conversation with my roommate about this. There are two types of people in the world, in so many different senses, but here is one of them. There are the people who care about the feelings and the wellbeing of those around them and those close to them so much that they sometimes neglect themselves. The people who will sacrifice a little of their own happiness to make others happy. I, for the most part, classify myself in this group, along with a handful of my friends here at Duke and back at home. The other half is the people who tend to be more independent, more individualistic. They think it's more important to do things for yourself before you do things for others. This isn't wrong. It's right for the people who believe it and I have nothing against that. Sometimes it really is more important to do things for yourself before others, I can attune to that. The other half of my friends is like this. And I'm pretty sure I can classify each of my friends as belonging in one of these two categories, or maybe I'm not thinking hard enough. These two types of people, they can be friends, of course, but sometimes they might not mesh all that well, especially when they get close. An example.

An incident occurred with me this past week that relates with this perfectly. I had to decide whether to do something to make someone else stay happy versus keeping myself happy. But the decision that would support the latter was something that I believed was good for more than just me, but for that someone else too. I ended up making that decision. I was visibly upset about it for quite a while. One of my friends that I talked to about it first, of the second category I discussed above said to me, "You made the right choice; this is what is good for you." True. I discussed this again with another one of my friends of the first category and he said, "You made the right choice; this is what is good for your friendship and you." True. See the difference?

I get along with both of these types of people, but sometimes I feel like something like that is what makes relationships and friendships not work. I've seen it happen before, it's happened to me before. It's not that big a deal, but it can be. Just saying. Just thinking.

Have you ever thought that for all of the people that you ever meet in your life, you give them a little piece of you, even if it was just a little conversation or even a hand gesture. Or maybe it was a lifelong friendship or a relationship, then those are big pieces given. Maybe it was someone you met at a coffee shop, talked to just for that day, and then never saw again. Do these pieces of you that you give others multiply, or do we eventually run out? Of course I can't remember every person I've ever met, because memories that aren't important enough never potentiate from short term memory to long term. But the ones that I do, neurologically, their memory and what they've told me is a piece of them that now belongs to me. Of course pieces like your name, your favorite color, coffee or tea, these pieces multiply, you can give them to many many many people. But what if there are pieces that you eventually run out of? Like love. Like hope. Like longing. Do these things run out if they're given to too many people? These are intangible, and yeah sure as a neuroscience major, I should be thinking more scientifically and what not, but we don't even know how emotions work exactly at this point. If you invest enough of your love and hope into a certain amount of people, does it run out? I don't know. I hope not. 

I realize sometimes how petty my teenage, college concerns are compared to some people. Sure, I consider myself strong-willed and self-controlled now (though not as much as of late), but if I were ever put in a more tense, actually difficult position, how would I fare? It scares me because I'm sure that time will come one day and I might not know what to do. Even in the orgo final last semester, when I got to a moment when I couldn't understand a couple pages, I started to hyperventilate, my mind went completely blank and I swear I would've passed out right there. This isn't an exaggeration. It was one of the scariest moments of my life, aside from those times that I actually did pass out. And then I think back, what the hell? That's the stupidest thing ever. When I grow up, I'm going to have to face so many more difficult choices and keep my mind under control, but will I be able to? I hope. The now really is no predictor of the future, is it? Maybe sometimes. Meh.

All righty, back to work. I always seem to have the most blog ideas when I need to be doing the most work. Serious though.

Categories: ,

Leave a Reply