Fearless

Here's one of those posts that actually has to do with the original theme of my blog. Last night, I went to my very first college party! If you know me, you'll know that obviously I didn't drink at all and stayed completely sober. There's quite a lot that I have to say about this specific topic of drinking and partying so lemme get started at point A.

The party was okay. Dancing with friends was fun, of course, but the party itself was just okay. This is the first time I've ever been to a party at all with drunk people. It was just really strange for me knowing that some of my friends and the people around me weren't completely, 100% themselves. Just the fact that they weren't perceiving reality in the way that I was made me feel... I can't think of the right word. But you know what I mean? One of the guys that I'm kind of, sort of friends with was pretty drunk and he asked me how I could be enjoying myself at the party while being sober. I couldn't understand why you couldn't have fun without drinking. Two of my other friends with me there stayed completely sober and I would bet money to say that they had plenty of fun just dancing together. The one thing feeling that I can say I felt about my friends who drank, the most intense feeling that I had, was disappointment. 

The reason I don't drink is because I think that you can enjoy things and enjoy life and have fun in ways that aren't injurious to your health and take control over you. Some of my friends said that they drink to "drown out their sorrows." One of my friends said that he doesn't like to judge things before he tries them and that I don't know the feeling that it gives you; to get away from life for just a little while. Honestly, what I have to say about drinking to get away from your feelings is that you should man up and deal with it differently. Talk to people, go eat good food, hugs, dancing, watch movies. You don't need to drink. That's weak. And as for judging it without having tried it, I guess yeah, maybe I am. But from what I've learned and from what I've seen of others, it doesn't look like something I want to do or see my friends do. I know that in the end, everyone is going to do what they want, and that's perfectly fine with me, really. I've always believed in "to each his own." But as a friend, or even just a fellow human, I will never stop being concerned about the people who do drink. I told my friend who drank some last night but not enough to not be able to comprehend what I was saying that whether it ever affected anyone or not, I would never stop telling my friends and the people close to me that I wished they wouldn't drink. Even for the guy who I am kind of, sort of friends with I was concerned for. If they ever needed me, I would take care of them. I wouldn't stop being friends with you because you drink...for the most part.

In high school, some of my friends always made me feel like I was wrong about not trying things like going to parties or drinking. At the time I thought, oh maybe I would be a better person if I just knew what more things were like. Now I realize that the decisions I make are the ones that are right for me. Because of the way that I was raised, I'm just a very traditional person. I don't believe in sex until marriage. I don't believe in drinking until it's actually legal, and I probably won't even then. Like I said, I want control on myself always. Not even for a little while do I not want to be myself. Not even tipsy. And also like I said, I wish my friends wouldn't, I'll always be telling them the same thing, but they should do what they feel is right for them. I can only hope that they feel comfortable enough with me to talk to me about it if they ever want to. My intention is not to force my beliefs, because I don't even know that they're right, but to suggest them. Sometimes people know what they're doing isn't right, but they do it anyway because it feels good. I'm sure what I have to say won't change much, but just because of the person I am, I can never stop trying. Disappointment. 

Disappointment. It's something I'm so scared of. Disappointing myself, disappointing others. But there's never anything you can do to keep everyone happy, and that's the cold, hard truth.

I don't know why I just remembered this, but my sophomore year of high school, I had this one dream, or nightmare rather, once that freaked me out utterly and completely. I can remember I couldn't stop thinking about it for weeks. You're at the corner of a busy 4 way intersection in India and there are cars and scooters and motorcycles and buses and auto-rickshaws crossing every which way. They're all honking and people are yelling as you watch the traffic and try to cross the street. You notice something peculiar about the corner that is opposite from you: it seems to be enclosed in a strange transparent bubble. Inside there are people who seem oddly disconnected from the rest of the busy streets. They walk around inside the bubble, not speaking, not smiling, just back and forth, never acknowledging the existence outside. You cross the street and walk carefully so as not to get too close to the bubble, but stand there to look at it for a while. A woman comes up behind you and whispers in your ear, "Once you go in, you can never come out. You are no longer a part of this world." She pushes you in and everything turns to sepia. 

You think I'm kidding, but I actually had this dream and it was so creepy. It could totally be great in a book or something though. And so much symbolism. Lolol.

Today, we went to the mall. I shouldn't have gone, I have waaaay too much work to do. It was really fun and it felt more amazing than you can imagine to actually be around people that aren't all our age. To be in civilization. I bought some stuff from Forever 21 and Aero and spent more money than I feel that I should've,  but I also ate amazing food from Panera. Real food. "Because the food that we eat at the marketplace every day isn't real." My friend said that and then we all laughed. Yaay sweaters.

I talked to my roommates last night until 6 am again and we talked about how open I was about my feelings and my past. Whether it's a good or bad thing I don't really know, but it makes things easier on me in my mind. Maybe the whole world shouldn't know how weak-minded I can be at times. Maybe they shouldn't know what I'm like when I'm upset. But I don't consider these things important to trusting people. I can tell you things about my life and still not trust you. Some people try to live in an aura of mystery and that's something I can't understand. If you want to become good friends with a person or want to get to know them, just let them know you. I've met a lot of people here at college and in the past who seem very hesitant to open up and it's just frustrating when you're trying to learn who they are. But again, to each his own and if you don't feel comfortable telling people about yourself, then that's perfectly fine with me. I guess I'm just weird and I tell people almost whatever they'd like to know. Eh, it works for me. Confrontation, on the same topic, is a great thing. It makes life and specifically relationships so much easier. Serious. 

Lastly, a discussion on failure versus success. In my Mind and Language class, a classmate brought in a transcript of a "chapel talk" which is when a faculty member at her high school talks to the whole student body about a specific topic. If you get a chance, I would definitely check it out here: http://library.standrews-de.org/lists/ChapelTalks/CTFaculty/kahan_2012_02-29.pdf. It's not very long and very interesting. 

This guy's story isn't the happiest thing in any way, shape or form. He applied to med school, got rejected from a bunch, and still hasn't gotten in. He says "We all fear failure...Maybe it's because failure can be embarrassing. For me, it is incredibly embarrassing admitting failure to students, colleagues and parents, who have often asked about next year. When they say, 'So I hear you are going to medical school?' I hate having to answer, 'Actually, I haven’t gotten in yet.' Translation: I’m a failure." 

We do fear failure. Sometimes we don't do things because we are afraid that we are going to fail. Those are lost opportunities -- lost chances to at least learn something from a failed experience that will be helpful in the future. "Lost opportunities to succeed." He says "The best rewards come from the greatest challenges." Like I said in my last post, it wouldn't be very much fun to be extraordinary in a sea of ordinary. It's boring. It's not exciting. Last year when we won a tennis match against the team from Camden, it wasn't nearly as fulfilling as when we win against Cherry Hill East. 6-0 6-0 is not as fulfilling as 7-6 5-7 6-4. But you know what I mean.

"We sometimes define success and failure in external ways." But at the same time, success is internally defined. Are you disappointed in yourself, is someone disappointed in you? Is that what defines your success or failure? Success is subjective: what is good enough for one person may not be good enough for another. True success is "being the best you can possibly be." Rejection and failure happen. It's life. You get over it. You don't drink about it.

"It is how you respond to failure that will truly define your success."  Learn from failures and successes both. Actually. A mistake is an event you have not yet turned to your advantage. Live it.

Well this was just a really long rant. It's so hard to get all my real thoughts down in text. If you ask me in person what I really mean about all of this, I'll be able to tell you better. There's so much missing from this post. There's so much more that I want to say than I can write. So frustrating.

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5 Responses so far.

  1. Anonymous says:

    I'm pretty sure you hated me..but sometimes it's scary how well your posts reflect my thoughts. These thoughts are well put.

  2. Sonal says:

    Oh goodness, I'm pretty sure that I don't! Please don't think that. And I'm glad you can relate! (:

  3. Anonymous says:

    Are you scared of drinking?
    Because if you are, you should do something that scares you every day :)

  4. Sonal says:

    I'm not scared, I'm strongly opposed. And I prefer not to do things that I'm strongly opposed to everyday. (:

  5. Priya says:

    We should still talk sometime. Disappointment is a strong strong word.

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