Fearless

To my female community, I'd like to introduce you to an epiphany that I had about boys. It's one of those things that has probably already been discovered and I may have even known it before this week, but only recently verbalized it and applied it. So here goes.

So you know how there are those times when you're in that crack between liking a guy, knowing it won't work out, and accepting him as just a friend? When it's like, I know this isn't good for me, but there's still that drop of acid in water that you can't get rid of no matter how much you try? I hope this is making sense. Well, here's a solution: pursue another male. Yes, I'm objectifying males. No I'm not, just kidding. But actually. I don't mean it in a objectifying way; all I mean is that finding qualities or personality traits in another person that seem like they would match with yours or are attractive to you helps you get over this guy that probably wasn't right for you as it is. Convince yourself there's someone better, because there probably is. My best advice would be not to ever approach a new friendship in the viewpoint that you want it to turn into a relationship; any relationship should start off as a friendship. If anything is meant to be after that, it will. But anyway, yes, it's a coping mechanism that works. It's probably more effective when done unconsciously, but it's worth a try. Start looking at the good things, the attractive features in other boys rather than holding on with slipping fingers to the old one. He can still be your close friend or even a best friend, I totally think it's possible to take a step back, but that's only if you let go. As a female myself, I know how hard it is to let go. And this whole thing is to make your pain easier. In the end, time will heal all wounds. I'm not particularly upset about anything right now that makes me write about this topic, but my friend from another school and I were talking about it and she completely agrees. She's in the process of using the strategy right now, as well! 


Maybe this strategy could work for boys too. Or men. Depends on whether you have swag or class. 


But actually, I'm not objectifying males. Now go make me a sandwich.


Here on the Duke campus in the Southgate dorm, I've been unwillingly linked to the grumpy cat meme that I did not know existed until now by a friend of mine. It's because he tried to give me a cough drop once when I was hacking away and in an extremely cranky mood, I tried to put it down his shirt. ONE TIME. Regardless, it's almost funny how we do things and say things that we might feel the complete opposite about at times of stress and sickness and sadness. Ever wonder why a happy state tends to correlate more with truthfulness? Maybe a clearer head not clouded with negative emotion. Maybe the lack of anger standing by, just waiting for the last tick of the emotion bomb. 


I think too much.


Yesterday I didn't do a whole lot of work because I didn't have much that was due immediately today or tomorrow, so I spent a few hours on Amazon looking at posters and boots and just looking for random stuff to buy. I ended up buying a pair of boots from this website called UrbanOg. It has suuuper cute boots for pretty good prices. I'll let y'all know how it turns out for me when they get here, pictures and everything. Boot review. But anyway, my point was that I was looking at a ton of posters with all these different sayings on them and I realized how many different perspectives these posters reflect. If you buy them, you really have to pick and choose the ones that apply to the way you actually think and the things that you believe. The last thing you want is a really obnoxious person coming in and telling you that your posters contradict each other. Or maybe it doesn't really matter that much. Either way.


I need to get more sleep. It's kind of unhealthy. 


Speaking of unhealthy, we were talking in my culture and mind class today about whether internal self conflict is healthy or unhealthy for a person. In one way, having conflict means that you are looking at many perspectives of a situation and you'd probably be able to relate to more people. But if the conflict is deep and it's something that is constantly eating away at you, it probably isn't so good. That happens to me a lot; my mind flickers back and forth between what I know is right for me and what I know would make me happy. Many times they aren't the same thing. Yeah, I usually try to do what is right for me and eventually allow myself to be happy doing that too. When these two conflicts occasionally intersect and there is one thing that is right and makes me happy, that's one of the best feelings. There's a lot of self will involved in this too, but that's a discussion for another time. Another thing that I started thinking about after class was how we store memories. Using language? I don't think so. Pictures? No. Electrical impulses? Probably. But there's nothing there. It's chemicals and chemicals and wiring and that makes up everything we feel, think, do, say, and remember. It governs our lives. That's something I don't know if I'll ever be able to wrap my head around -- that things that have no actions on their own, these cells and genes, that are living but not in the way that we are "living," make up who we are. And then you could ask me how I feel about free will, but that's also a longgg discussion for another time. And preferably in person.


The last thing I wanted to talk about as I wait for my laundry to finish in the dryer is blocking. I've had multiple discussions with my roommates about it at this point, but I'm trying not to worry about it until it comes around in February. Blocking is essentially picking a group of people to live with next year, our sophomore year, and possibly after that. I feel like it's going to be really very stressful when the time comes around. I've made so many good friends here that it'd be difficult to think I won't know them as well next year. One of the things that makes me really upset is when someone who I am or have become extremely close to begins to become much closer to someone else. I worried about this with my best friend for a while; I figured she'd go to college, find people she could relate with more, and then we wouldn't be best friends anymore. But then I grew up a little. Of course that won't happen. But with close friendships that I've made here at Duke that haven't been firmly setting into place for years, I'm afraid they'll wither away. If I don't see them, they'll get closer to others and then we'll be those friends who just say, hey what's going on, and have a coffee together every now and then. And this is why I don't like blocking. You have to choose. But choose what? Who means more to you? Who would be easier to live with? I like how East Campus is set up for freshman and next year everything is going to be so different. I'll leave this blocking thing for now, but the cement that makes up the foundation for a close friendship, not just a normal friendship, a close friendship, has not yet set. And I don't know how long it'll take.


Anyway, my laundry is almost done so I'm going to take a shower and get to class. Here's one last thing I wanted to share and then I leave you the lyrics of Disney music.


My roommates and I have filled our one wall with postits that retell our inside jokes and funny experiences. So many more to come, but it's a great way to remember everything and a great conversation starter too!

Start a new fashion, wear your heart on your sleeve
Sometimes you reach what's real just by making believe
Unafraid, unashamed
There is joy to be claimed in this world
You even might wind up being glad to be you


Ever ever after.

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