Fearless

Dang, almost a week. This might be the longest I've gone without a post. No worries though, it only means that life has been rather uneventful. Except I got my orgo test back, but we're definitely not discussing that. I do have some stuff to talk about though.

Right now I'm at my family friends' house in Raleigh because I really needed to get work done and knew I wasn't going to get much done back at the dorm. Also, I wanted good food. And booy did I get it; dosa, sambar, idli and hot chai. I'm so grateful for connections. But anyway, the family is actually my sister's friend's mom's sister and her husband and son. I've only met them twice but they really made me feel at home. It's a strange feeling, spending a night somewhere other than on campus. I don't think I've done that a single day yet. Not a single night have I not slept in the bed in my dorm. It's good to get out.


But at the same time, it's super weird. I miss my friends back at college already and it's only been one night. At any minute I expect my roommates to come walking in after spending 4 hours at the library. I can't imagine what it's going to be like going back home for Thanksgiving break. Or rather, "home." To Texas. Of course it'll be great to see my family again because I'm starting to get a little homesick. Just a little though. But I realize now how great it is at college to always have people around you who can relate to you. Here at my family friends', there's not very much that I can talk to them about. Yep, classes are tough. Yep, living in college is super different but a great experience. The weather sucks. Can't wait to see the family. Thank you for the blankets. And that sums it up.


Even with my family, I'm sure I could tell them general things about classes and how living at college is, but I won't be able to talk to them about the things that we talk about every night at Duke. It's simply not as relatable. I love my parents and my sister, but they just don't understand. And I'm not going to go start telling them about how I stayed up until 5 every weekend having philosophical conversations and how I liked this one guy too quickly and it didn't work out and how I felt like I was alone even when I had so many people with me and how I stressed out over organic chem so much more than I let them know. They'd never let me come back. And Duke is the one place I couldn't even think about not coming back to. It's my home now.


Speaking of people caring about people, have you ever had that feeling when you're way more concerned about someone or a group of people than you should be? Maybe it's just me. That feeling when you think, "My goodness... I hope he/she is okay... Damn, why the hell do I even care so much? Sure, we're friends, but they can take care of themselves." Frustration. But then you can't stop thinking about them anyway. Yes? No? Maybe it really is just me. My friends here tell me I have very motherly instincts. And I think, well shit, everyone sees me as their mother now, not as their friend. I don't like labels. But the fact of the matter is that that is who I am. I can try all I want, but I can't stop being concerned. And I realize it does take energy out of me to do so. But what are you going to do but retain you personality? It's not a bad thing. I'm told that I'm passive aggressive too, which bothered me a ton at first, but then I got over it. I am passive. I can be aggressive. Thus, the phrase describes me. Negatively connoted or not, it is me. I never denied that I have imperfections. I used to be only passive, but that got me absolutely nowhere, so maybe that's the reason. But anyway, getting back to the point, I hope I'm not the only one who does that. Care so much about people who you really don't even know that well; so much that they're always on your mind. What to do, what to do...


If you're starting to get bored, here's a couple of photos I've taken this week.

A study spot I have unofficially
claimed in Perkins Library.
Interpret this however you'd like. If
you know me, you might get why
I took it.
I think the reason I'm writing this blog post right now is because this is the first time that I've been alone in a while. I tend to be with friends as often as possible at Duke, trying to stop myself from thinking as much as I did in high school because that always just made a mess out of things. This is the first time in a while I've gotten an extended period of time alone to think. I think I needed it because I've been actively pushing down the ideas that have been constantly attempting to climb upon the cliff that is my conscious thought processes. Like, you know what Scar does to Mufasa on the cliff? Like that. It's been good to get all my thoughts to the front of my mind for once. To stop the resistance. And then later today I'll go back and it'll all start again. But trust me, I love it so much.

Something that is actively eating away at me is relationships. Sigh, I know, story of every girl ever. Yeah, it probably is. But let me explain. 


You remember college interviews? Or if you're applying right now, think ahead to your college interviews. One of the most popular questions for those alumns to ask you is, "What makes you unique?" Why is it that the school should accept you as opposed to some other straight-A student who also plays varsity tennis and is the officer of three clubs? When that question came around for me during interviews, I made up some bullshit about my personality. I am so committed to everything I do and I take advantage of my opportunities. I learn to adapt to change quickly. Yeah, it's true. But the same is true for thousands of other students across America. I've never felt particularly unique. Never had a reason to. I've never fought a bear or cured cancer or flown a plane or saved a person's life. Sure, the combination of my personality traits and my experience and history make me unique, but in that way, every person is unique. The concept of uniqueness disappears. How does this relate to relationships? Easy. Call me idealistic because I am, but I always think this: "Is there anything about me that would make some guy say, "Yeah, she's different. She's perfect for me"? I probably sound so shallow right now or something, but honestly. I'm just speaking from the heart of every girl. We all look for that one guy who thinks that. It probably doesn't even work that way. That would be waayy too difficult. But there are those people who just notice you and automatically start understanding who you are. Easy to mistake people to be that kind, but if it's for real, it's one of the best feelings in the world. Only once in my life have I met someone and began to mutually understand one another  in an extremely short span of time. He ended up becoming one of my best friends. 


I have so many friends that care about me back at home and so many friends that care about me here at Duke. I'm being selfish when I ask for more. So I won't ask, I'll just hope. Value the relationships you have. You'll know if they're worth keeping.


Sigh, I should sleep. Hope this wasn't depressing to y'all (trying to start talking like a Texan, you know? even though I'll never stop being a Jersey girl!). I mean it to be cathartic. Writing things down makes me sure that what I'm thinking is what I mean. The only difference is that when it gets down in words, it sounds a lot more whiny and girly and corny. Not my intention, just my thoughts. 


The super happy part of this week was Friday night when I went out to Franklin Street (also known as the better version of Ninth Street but on UNC territory) with my international friends! We got noodles and gelato and cupcakes and looked at really old, antique books with letters from the 1850s. It was absolutely and ridiculously awesome. Then we went to go see Ted and then we hung out in my Malaysian friend's room for two hours, just talking about life. One of the best nights I've had and I can't wait to do it again.



Photo by Thu Nguyen, all the way on the left, my awesome-Vietnamese-awesome-photographer-also-in-Orgo-with-me-friend. Then my friend from Pakistan next to him at the top, my friend from Romania below him, me to the right of her, my Malaysian friend above me, another friend whom I don't know that well but is still awesome next to him, and my friend from India below him. So exotic, all of them. I'm so lucky!
Life isn't so bad. You just have to step back, think about it, and smile. (:

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