One of the things that would hurt me the most is being replaced.

I'm not so bad at being alone anymore.

Finding a way to make problems in my life seem trivial is a good feeling.

Where is there a rule written that things need to become awkward after a relationship ends? I want to see the rule book.

Sometimes I'm afraid to say things to people because I'm afraid of how they'll handle the truth. Sometimes I'm afraid to say things to people because I'm afraid they'll misunderstand. I'm afraid of what they'll think of me.

I wish you found me interesting the way I find you interesting.

I'm patient a lot of the time. But sometimes I'm not. And when I'm not patient, my impatience turns into spite, and eventually that's all you'll get. Spite.

Sometimes it's definitely not worth it, but I do it anyway. When my emotions siege my logic, I've lost control of myself to myself.

If you don't need me, and I still need you, I'll do my best to stop needing you.

Why is it so hard to convince ourselves to change when the best way is different from this way?
"It's better this way." That can hurt so much.

Someone tell me I'm worth it. Other than L'Oreal.

"We'll still be friends." I think we have different definitions.

There's this paper that I had to read for my writing class called Varieties of Compulsion. The paper was called Resisting "Weakness of Will." I kind of died. The paper was literally half of the things that I talk about on this blog, trying to have self control and losing it, ego depletion. How losing self control means giving up a side that makes rational decisions to a side that is more intuitive and instinctual. You can find the paper here and yeah, it's kind of long and you probably won't want to read it, but here are a few quotes from it that are so incredibly story of my life that I was overjoyed I wasn't crazy. I should just become a philosopher.
"The Humean account explains weakness of the will in terms of the interaction of beliefs and desires. The augmented Humean account explains weakness of the will in terms of the interaction of beliefs, desires, and intentions, where intentions are irreducible to beliefs and desires."
"Ego depletion refers to the depletion of an energy source preferentially drawn on by self-control mechanisms."
"It is open to us, of course, to reject the claim that weakness of the will ought to be identified with action that conflicts with agents’ prior resolutions or intentions. We might insist that weakness of the will requires, or is also instantiated, when an agent acts in a way that conflicts with their current judgment, whether or not it also conflicts with a prior resolution."
"At very least, proponents of judgment-based models owe us an explanation of how to distinguish weakness from mere changes in mind... It is precisely because changes of mind are produced through deliberation and are not regretted by agents that we – rightly – do not regard them as involving failures of practical rationality. Ego depletion induced weakness is very different. It reflects a failure by the agent to control their mental life, and is therefore appropriately regarded as a failure of practical rationality."

The point is... I'm so ineloquent.

Also, there's this huge controversy at Duke right now about the Asia Prime party that KSig held and ASA went cray cray about it because it's so racist and all. Yeah, I can see why people would be upset about that. Totes, I can. But honestly, all we did was give Duke bad publicity for something that probably no one would have known about if it hadn't blown up so big. I guess I'm not the right flavor of Asian to be making any judgement, but this doesn't really matter to me that much, though I feel like it's supposed to or something. My Viet friend said he felt guilty for not feeling offended. Bleh. Not necessary. I'm not really sure what level of "racism" would actually offend me; a lot of the time I'll just act offended for funsies. It's not a big deal. There's this huge mob in front of the West bus stop right now, it's really crazy. This really just looks bad for Duke, along with the affirmative action and the gender equality stuff that happened earlier. Goodness gracious. We gotta pull it together, seriously. 

We're actually an awesome school though, so apply here if you're in high school. The good outweighs the bad ten-fold, promise. 

Aiiight. Orgo study time. Literally I've been so busy I haven't had time to think. But this blog is necessary. For my mental health if nothing else. Hooray!

I need more photos. This is getting so bland with all words. Ew, who looks at blogs for the words?
Oh yeah and my 365 just kind of... ended. I'm a terrible person. I'll just leave that link up as a reminder of my failure...

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