"You know what your problem is, Q? You keep expecting people not to be themselves." Paper Towns, John Green

Sometimes this is just the excuse for, I just don't want to change. It's a cop out. I'm being myself. Stop trying to change me. There's no way at all for me to solve my problems so stop trying.

"I just want to have intellectual conversation with you. Because I care about you and I want to know what you think about certain things. You fascinate me, but I feel like it's such a battle just to get to know you and break through this fortress you've built around your innermost thoughts and feelings. I want to talk to you about literature and philosophy and the world and people and the future and the past and how scary and wonderful it all is. But maybe you're just not interested. And maybe I'll just have to learn to settle." some anon person on Duke Confess

Don't I know it. I feels so much. Once about a year ago I did break through the fortress because he saw the same thing in me that I saw in him. I thought we were best friends. But then he kinda just stopped talking to me. I don't know if it's because he thought our friendship was secure enough for time not to matter or if he changed his mind. I have yet to figure if it's something that I did wrong. Since then it's happened once. I almost got there, but I think it's heading toward the same conclusion.

I realized that I'm turning into Taylor Swift. Woops. We don't want that now.

I think the guy that I end up with will be the one who convince me that feeling isn't disempowering. We'll see.

I just read a paper for writing that talked about having a rational capacity. It was a philosophy paper, meaning I didn't understand most of it, but there was one idea that I sort of grasped that made me want to keep reading on. That said, there wasn't a lot more insight into the idea that I understood, but still. There's a line that reads

"Desires both should and could be the product of a rational capacity."
                                                                    "Rational Capacities" Michael Smith
It went on to say something along the lines of, being rational means having a desire that matches your belief about what you would want to do if you making the best decision for you. I had to think about this. I don't know if I really believe it. I have desires all the time that don't match my belief about what's right for me. That's my emotion-logic dichotomy I'm always talking about. Does the statement in the paper suggest that the desires are irrational then? That might make sense. But in the sense of self, I don't think I'm being irrational if the action that I take is opposite what I desire but what I believe is good for me. Going against my desires, I do that all the time. My friend asked me today in regards to this, why? Why not just be happy? We're not robots, you know. The answer is that I am happy. Yes, giving into desires would give me short term happiness, but I'm willing to take the risk to refuse those desires to gain a more long term happiness. And that's something that the YOLO people just don't understand sometimes. No hate, I think we should live life to the fullest, but that doesn't mean making decisions that will affect long term happiness and success. I've been irrational plenty of times. But these irrationalities add up and eventually you don't know right from wrong anymore. I know I can't always be right, if right even exists, but that doesn't mean I try not to fall deep enough into my irrational desires that I can't get out. Yes, even I, who preaches about control day and night, slip up, which I've been doing a lot of lately. But I need to start being more careful, especially with eating chocolate, that's a problem. And like I said, I think the guy that I eventually end up with will be the one who convinces me that it's okay to lose some control on yourself sometime, as long as it's with someone you can trust. 

I don't know if I can trust you, chocolate.

Last things last before I go do some more work before heading to sleep, I had my first performance with the Duke Bollywood/fusion team called Dhoom yesterday! I'm so glad I made it this semester because the experience so far has been busy, but so very wonderful. It's one of those things that you have to work really hard for, but when you see that final product, you know it was all worth it. I guess that's a lot of things in life. Anyway, these girls and guys are amazing and I'm so glad I get a chance to bond and perform with them! We performed at UNC yesterday and we have a performance at UGA this weekend, so ima hold off on posting the video just yet, but definitely by next week, I'll post it, or you can just ask me about it! I'd be glad to share because honestly, we are fucking awesome. (Thrift Shop ref, I don't curse normally) 

photo by Tulsi Desai

See y'all laterrs!

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