Fearless

I haven't been in much of a writing mood lately because, strangely, everything in my life seems to be going right. I seem to only write when things are going wrong which shouldn't be the case. If I'm sharing my down moments publicly, it only makes sense to share these happy times, too. I just want to enjoy this time that things are nice and not think about what's to come. However, what's to come is pretty important, too. Like, med school and stuff, you know? Meh. 

I think I also haven't written in a while because I haven't had one of "those conversations" with my friends where things get all deep and stuff. My mind has been clear and it's been happy and it's been easy to focus on my priorities. My laze has reduced to a good amount and my constant self-nagging to try new things has finally gotten to me. But let me start at the beginning.

Things have started to get going again now that I'm back at Duke. It's been a week exactly and I'm so glad to be back home. Duke, my home away from home. I love it so much. I've felt so much more productive and happier with things in general. I think the reason I've been feeling like I don't have a whole lot of work is only because I haven't started the hardcore orgo studying yet, but I'll do better this semester now that I'm adjusted and all. I thought I was fully adjusted last semester, but then shit happened and I wasn't actually. I like the majority of my classes this semester, I'm making the active effort to get involved in extracurriculars so I'm not sitting around all the time, and I need to simply start those summer applications. Boo. 

Last week I tried out for a play. I didn't end up getting a part, but I had so much fun trying out! This is the first time I've ever tried out for an acting role in a play because I'm not much of an actress, but I figured it was worth a shot for a new experience. I won't lie, an hour before the tryout, I considered withdrawing my name and backing out it because I was so nervous. But then I told myself I wouldn't do that this semester like I did last semester. Then I worried that I would sound like an idiot. Then I thought, who cares? I tried. It was literally a battle of logic and emotions in my head for an hour or two where at the end I finally decided that I was being ridiculous and this meant nothing at all in the grand scheme of things. And so I went. I enjoyed it. Didn't make it. And I moved on. There's nothing else to it! And so I conclude that it can't hurt to try anything and everything. Except when it's tenting, then not doing it was the best decision I've ever made.

Just kidding, the mocassins were the best decision I've ever made.

If you're reading this and you don't go to Duke, you might not know what tenting is. If you go to Duke, skip this paragraph. Let me explain. Basketball is a huge thing at Duke, right? The biggest game of the season is Duke vs UNC, our mega rivals. From the beginning of January when we return from winter break to the middle of February when the game is, students set up tents in K-ville, the area outside Cameron Stadium and Wilson gym and what not so they can get the best seats to the UNC/Duke basketball game. There are a bunch of rules and stuff that make the event an official Duke thing, which is pretty cool and all.

Here's a hedgehog so you don't get super bored. 
Soooooooooooo cuuuuuuuuuute. 

While all my friends say tenting is "a lot of fun," some of them are also miserable. It's pretty stressful being out there in the rain and cold and whatever else might come their way. It's hard to get work done or sleep well or any of that stuff. I don't think I could have handled my work and tenting. I'm just not ready for that yet, props to the people that are. And the other big thing that's going on right now is rushing for sororities, frats, and SLGs, or selective living groups, which are simply not as intense as the former two and co-ed. Let me just say first that I do not understand Greek life whatsoever. Not in that people with similar interests live together and what not, that makes sense. Why the requirements for getting in involve dressing up a certain way or drinking timed shots or things like that makes absolutely no sense to me. There's no value in these things and I've been told that one of the worst experiences of some people's college lives has been the rushing process for Greek life. It just bewilders me why anyone would take that kind of treatment. 

Luckily, the process doesn't apply to SLGs which a lot of my friends are rushing for. A friend of mine from UPenn asked me in December if I was rushing for anything and I said no, and his response was something along the lines of, "okay, tell me if you change your mind when rushing season comes around and all your friends are rushing." At the time, I was surprised because I didn't think something like that would affect me so much that I would give into the peer pressure. But believe me, when I came in on the 9th and non of my friends were in the dorm because they were all at rush events, I felt the pressure. When the first couple of nights most of the people I usually hang out with at night, including my roommates, were gone, I felt the pressure. But it really wasn't something I wanted to do because meeting people by being thrown into a giant vat of faces and names isn't the way that I'm able to accomplish that task. Small group settings are a lot more beneficial to me in meeting people. Sure, I guess this is me being stubborn and hypocritical of two paragraphs ago, but meh. You win some, you lose some? I'm not gonna rush. Peer pressure avoided.

On a completely different note, my friend Thu introduced me to this program in Windows Office called OneNote that gives you an extremely organized way to contain all of your typed notes and to-do lists and addresses and whatever else you might want to organize in one handy place. Even better, you can sync it to an online SkyDrive so that you automatically have a back-up copy of everything you put into it. I'm totes in love. So definitely check if you have the program and use it to its full potential! Again, I thank Thu, also the best lab partner everrrr! Except there's always this looming accusation above me that I got into BIO202 and he didn't. Woops.

I just got out of my Writing class, called Varieties of Compulsion, about an hour ago and I have an intro film class in one hour, same building. So I'm just sitting here, typing away. One of the things that made me finally decide to write a post was the writing class where we discussed how to write a good memoir and business. The class is about compulsions, addictions, a lack of control on oneself. It's really interesting because I've always considered myself someone who has a great deal of control on my actions and choices but I'm starting to believe this might not really be true. Our first paper needs to be a memoir on an experience where things got out of control. This is really hard. I always try so hard to keep things in control, so what am I supposed to write about? Well, who knows, maybe too much control can have an opposite effect? I'm depriving myself of experiences that I could be having and that adds up to doing absolutely nothing. I have an addiction to contemplation. To thinking. It's so backwards, but it makes sense in my mind. Then I read a memoir about a woman who cut herself because she felt guilt for her two dogs that fought a lot and eventually had to be put down because they wouldn't stop trying to destroy each other and her husband left her and she had tried to commit suicide. Cutting is always a better option than suicide. 

I just don't understand.

I'm not judging anyone here, promise. But I can't get it in my head the reason that anyone would go to such a  great extent in guilt or in sorrow as to cut themselves. Why would you do something so self-mutilating, what kind of satisfaction is there in that? I've never been even close to that position so I obviously wouldn't know, the same reason I wouldn't know why people try to commit suicide. It's a matter of self will and self control to me. Being able to handle things in a certain way, a better way than cutting. A way that doesn't harm your person, the same complaint that I have with drinking. It's all subjective, and I truly believe that. It'd be interesting to hear other opinions on this, but I have to be so careful with a topic like this because sometimes people just get defensive and aggressive and accusing and that's just something that I can't handle. That's why I don't do debate. People who aren't ready to accept that they might not be completely right make me really angry and upset. I figure it's not worth the argument and just concede and bow out. I think arguments with my parents have made me like that, not willing to argue with someone who doesn't want to listen to what you have to say. You haven't changed my mind about anything except the kind of person that you are. 

I'm so hungry, I should've gotten food before this class.

Okay, less depressing things. I finally turn 18 this weekend! I feel like I've been waiting for 18 for a really long time, probably because I've been teased about it so much in the past three or four months that it's felt like forever! Ridiculous! Just kidding, I don't mind being the baby. I'm more mature than half of these suckas at Duke anyways. Muahaha. 

My hands are really cold.

Okay this has been long enough. I'm out. Gonna go read for Writing. Peace.

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