Fearless

I'm so happy with life.

My birthday was on Sunday. My friends threw me a surprise party at 1:30 am. I love them so much. My roommate told me we were going to watch Andrew Garfield -- I mean, the Amazing Spiderman -- in Carr (building with open classrooms and big projectors) with Howard and our other friend was there too. I watched Andrew Garfield, squealed a bunch, Howard just gave me looks the whole time, and then about 2/3 into the movie, my roommate goes out and comes back in with a ton of people and a cheesecake and balloons and a gift bag. So. Sweet. All of them. I died. It didn't feel much different to be turning 18, but everyone joked about how all of the 17 year old jokes would have to go now that I was a big girl. I don't feel automatically older; I still feel like a kid. I've always been way too mature, so that hasn't changed. I think I'll feel older when I turn 20. When I'm not a teenager anymore. 16 is like the teenager rebel age and 18 is like the "I'm-still-a-teenager-but-I-have-actual-rights-now" age. And apparently I can go to Shooters now, the local club, but really, I'm not interested, thanks guys. People just want to see me drunk, but really folks, don't hold your breath. It's not happening anytime soon.

I mostly did work for the rest of my birthday. Lame, yeah, but it needs to be done. It was super relaxed, nothing too stressful, so that's good. Spent some time with Howard. Spent some time with friends. The usual. Pictures will come soon when Thu posts them and I can steal them from him. And credit him of course. I could bring a camera to my own party, that'd be so sketch.

In other big news, I made the Duke Bollywood+fusion of a ton of other types of dances dance team called Dhoom! It's so exciting! I tried out last semester but didn't make it, so making it this semester is double the exciting. The group is just so nice and I love dance as expression. I get to be spun around and do a backwards roll thing all in the first song! I'm super excited for how our piece will turn out and super excited to perform. SO MUCH EXCITEMENT AND HAPPINESS, I WISH I COULD SHARE IT.

My parents told me I could buy any dress that I wanted for my birthday as a birthday present from them. So I decided to get this super short strapless black one with lace around the bottom edges. Just kidding. I hope you didn't actually believe me. It's a red, short sleeved, mid-thigh lace skater dress. That sounds more like me now, ahaha. So excited for that to come.

There's just so much excitement. And school is going relatively well right now too. While I totally want to just believe that this will keep on like this for a while longer, I'm also really afraid that this happy time is coming to an end soon and everything will go downhill in a little while. Gah, it always happens. But I'll remain optimistic for now.

Housing stuff for next year is approaching really soon. Don't want any drama to go down, but I also want to retain all my close friends from this year. I've said this before, but I'm afraid we'll turn into the, see you in the hall, smile and say "hey, we need to catch up!", pass by with no other discussion or intent to catch up. Gah. I hope even if we live far from one another and don't see each other at dinner every night, we'll still be close friends and not lose one another. Some friendships I'm completely secure with now and I'm not worried about that happening. Others, there's still doubt. But luckily the former outnumbers the latter. So we'll see. We'll see.

To end, I just wanted to put a question out there. Have you ever been in a position where a relatively long time after you've done something or said something to someone, you realize that you wish that you could apologize? Have you ever had too much pride to apologize? That's probably what happens with me and my parents; a lot of times I just don't apologize for things that I know that I was wrong about because I have too much pride. I regret it later when they completely misunderstand me and my intentions. But it doesn't feel as difficult to apologize to my friends for some reason. Sometimes I think it's because I'm not as emotionally attached as I am with my parents, though plenty attached, but I'm unsure about whether our relationship, which is usually very valuable to me, will be able to handle it if I don't. Even if it's so much later. I want them to know that I care, and maybe with my parents, I just assume that they know. But I think sometimes they doubt, and that's not a good thing. Apologizing for something doesn't make you the weaker person, the one who's giving in. You're considerate of the other's feelings, you might be conceding for a purpose and that makes you stronger. And as for the receiving side, appreciate it. Seriously. Fight for your rights, make your opinions known, but if you hurt someone or if you were truly wrong, just apologize, talk things out, resolve the problem. I'm a big believer in resolving problems. Talking things out, communicating solves problems. No, seriously.

I wish I could just keep everyone happy; find a solution to all of their problems.
I wish people had stronger motivation and willpower to try and resolve their own problems instead of waiting around for life to do it. Because it probably won't.
I wish we didn't have so many internal struggles that created conflict among us. Though, they are really good at making us stronger and helping us learn about ourselves, so maybe I don't wish that.
I wish.

In a perfect world, maybe. But I'm glad we have an imperfect world where there's just so much to discover and things that will constantly keep us thinking. I feel like people in a perfect world would just be really stupid or something.

Have you ever heard of someone called a humblebrag? Someone who acts like they're complaining about something but really it's just highlighting something good about them. Like, "I can't find anything to wear to meet the President!" or "That's the only country I haven't been to in Europe!" I won't say I'm not guilty of it, but  it really bothers me when people do that. Sigh. 

Okay yeah, time for class. Bye byes and have a nice day! (: I apologize for the lack of color and photos. I'll post them when I actually take them! Ooh. A cool idea for one of my future posts: a full post in only photos! It's going down.

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