Fearless

"It’s impossible to understand real pain unless you've experienced it yourself." - The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle 

Yeah. True. You can only try to understand. What's frustrating is when people get mad that you don't understand them. Sure, I'd feel really bad if I hurt someone unintentionally or if someone was hurt, but if they got mad at you about it, that would make me just a little bit angry. Gah, don't listen to me, I'm just bitter about things. I know this is true, I don't understand others' real pain sometimes, but I try my hardest to console and to find solutions. I'm trying. Don't flip shit at me. Goddamn. Hardly anyone in this world ever wants to accept that they might be wrong. I won't say I'm not guilty of it, but at least I want to hear what people have to say. It's fine. We do what we can with the resources that we have. What's done is done.

Sometimes I feel like I'm mature enough to handle things, but when I think about some of the things that I do and the things that I say, I realize that I'm still so very immature. I'll look back in many years and realize that I was just another silly teenager in college, nothing more. Of course there's nothing wrong with that, but for some reason, it still bothers me. I've tried so hard not to, but I do make choices and decisions that I know are bad for me, but are things that I want regardless. I can be pretentious, I don't deny it. Sometimes my reasons for doing things are wrong and I try to justify them. The sad part is that I know that I'm trying to justify them and I don't even believe my own justification. 

There's a well. It's deep but something that you've wanted for so long is at the bottom. It may or may not be possible to get back out, but you'll finally have that thing that you've wanted for so so long. What do you do when you have something that you know isn't right for you, but you want to keep it anyway? I'm trying so hard not to fall deep enough in that it hurts if and when it all goes away.

In other news, yesterday was this beautiful, sunny, seventy degrees Fahrenheit day in the middle of days filled with cold and rain and sadness. You should've seen me walking to FFSC for lab and work and back to the benches outside Southgate. Goodness, I couldn't stop smiling to myself. Sunshine just feels so good. I can't describe the feeling. I breathe in and there's warmth and brightness and the sense that everything is okay. Sure, the rainy, cold weather is better thinking weather, but sunny days are good for being happy. The warmth of the sunlight just surround you and everything is yellow and orange and happy. Happy, happy, happy. And then around 6, the sky turned the most beautiful shade of indigo I think I've ever seen. I can't even.

And then today is super windy and also somewhat rainy. Bleh. But it's okay. At least it's not freezing.

There's so much juxtaposition of emotion in this post.

There's always so much more I have to say but I forget it. I've just been so busy lately and I really need to get done all these things that have been going on for summer and read freaking orgo because I haven't done any of that. Damn, damn. But for now, this should be good. 

OH. I also have been wanting to mention for a while about this new word that I learned.
limerence (n) -  an involuntary state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person combined with an overwhelming, obsessive need to have one's feelings reciprocated
brought to you by Wikipedia. 

THERE'S A WORD FOR THAT?! My mind was blown. We should have a Science of Love class, I would totes take that. Mind so blown. I need to read the whole Wikipedia article sometime.

Okay. So, I'm going to go now. Time for Orgo. Time for a nap. Just kidddding! Sort of.

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