Fearless

I’m typing this on the plane back to Texas right now because I have absolutely nothing else to do and I’ve slept way too much in the past 13 hours to do so. I’m sosososo excited to be going home.

Holy shit, the guy said it was 80 degrees Fahrenheit outside.

But it occurred to me how different leaving friends that you live with and friends that you simply went to school with in high school. I spent only three weeks at Governor’s School and when I left those guys, I bawled. I spent four years plus with my high school friends and shed barely a tear at my high school graduation. I’m leaving for Thanksgiving break for only five days and three of my friends at Duke saw me off outside my dorm. The Texans are planning to actually get together over winter break. How does that make any sense? It’s truly amazing how much closer we get to people that we actually live with. Of course there's the exception of that one friend who lives across the street and your house is basically their second home, but besides that. No matter how close you feel or felt to friends in high school, I think that college shows you how you can become close to people in so many different ways. Not saying that I value high school friendships any less; I don't. I miss my high school friends so much. But those people in high school may not have been able to give you hugs at 1 in the morning when you found out your cat died. They may not have been around to have philosophical discussions with at 4 in the morning in the hallway. And in person. That’s a big difference. There are so many more opportunities to do things in person. We don’t have to rely on technology to communicate. You can just walk down the hall or down the stairs to tickle someone and wake them up.

Fast forward to nighttime in Texas
Ah, my first day at home was… I can’t put my finger on the right word. Interesting? Thought-provoking? Definitely good. Great. Relaxing. Different. Most definitely different.

I arrived at the airport in Texas at about 11 (after my first time flying alone - way too easy) and was greeted by my sister and dad in our minivan about twenty minutes later at the pick up area. Came home, hugged my mom a LOT, ate really good paneer, got a tour of our new house. Played some pool, went grocery shopping, packed and unpacked, watched Captain America (for like the fifth time) in our new home theater (for like the first time). Arranged and rearranged my room, ate some more good food, got into a mini argument with the parents, tried to work on paper, failed, ended up writing a blog post and talking to friends on facebook. So, not bad. Different. I wish I had my old friends. I miss them. In that way, my "coming home" experience is different from everyone else's; I came home solely for family while everyone else is going home for family, friends, and familiar figures and facilities. Their home, their parks, their Wawa. I miss it all. Eh. 

At first I was so happy to be here and I still am, of course, but when I bring up how I wish I could at least visit my closest high school friends from Jersey and my parents tell me that all I care about is friends and that I don't care about family at all, that's what makes me really upset. That they would honestly believe that. It makes me want to cry, to be frank. Of course I care about my family, and why can't they see that? But yes, I value my friendships too. They say that high school friends don't really matter and it's college friends that will be your friends later in life. What if I don't want to lose my high school friends? What the hell? What the hell. I get really angry and really upset and really frustrated because they do this every time. And then the "so you're going to be a doctor" conversation comes up and that's never something I like talking to them about. Ever. It makes me want to punch a wall the way that they think. The career conversation. Ugh. I told myself that I wouldn't get into arguments while I was here, and I'm trying my best to avoid the subjects that are touchy, but they make it so. difficult. so so much.

To be honest, even with Marketplace's flavorless food, having to wear shower slippers, inability to get anywhere without walking a whole bunch, and 8:45 classes, Duke feels more like home to me than this house that I've lived in for a total of one day. The weather is the only thing that I don't miss. But it's okay, I'll take it. Don't get me wrong, I love my family. They just drive me crazy sometimes. But that's also every other family ever. I'll take it.

Dammit, I need to write this paper. Maybe tomorrow...

I don't really know how I feel. Things are good. Life is good. But here it's just different. Really different. 

Yum. The sunset is visible from my window and I have chocolate covered acai berries. More pictures of my new room/house to come once I get my fancy shmancy camera on Friday(:

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