Afraid to Forget

Sometimes it feels like there just aren't enough hours in the day to get done everything that needs to be done. Actually, it feels like that all the time lately. Not enough hours to read orgo AND do all the readings for seminars AND do Sapling labs AND write a 25 page paper AND memorize the mechanisms for 5 billion organic reactions AND call my parents everyday AND keep track of my sister's progress in school and give her advice on life AND keep in touch with all of my best friends back at home while maintaining new ones here AND keep up with extracurriculars.

And find time to be by myself to think about things.
And sleep enough.
And eat meals without being worried about what time it is.
And stay fit.
And clean our room.
And play guitar.
And read for leisure. 
And just breathe.

College student at finals time problems.

Really only one week is left until finals. 1/8 of my undergraduate college career is almost over. It's sad and invigorating at the same time. Sad because I don't feel as if I've done anything worthwhile with my time here and am unsure that I will be able to in the near future. Invigorating because this is it -- this is college, and it's been a blast so far, through the thick and thin. 

Oh also, I got my new camera. It's a Nikon P510 and I am loving it. I can finally use pictures on my blog that are high quality and taken only by yours truly. I'm trying to recreate the past three months of college in the next two weeks through photo because it's been sad for me not having a way to immortalize my memories. I think that's one of the reasons that I'm so interested in the field of memory in neuroscience -- because we know so little about it and the thought of losing it scares me. Alzheimer's disease? I don't know if there's anything I'm more afraid of, in the deepest sense possible. I'm so afraid of forgetting, not knowing any of the wonderful and awful and fun and boring things that have happened to you. Not recognizing anyone, feeling like you could trust no one. For me, knowledge usually breaks down my fears and so I want to study Alzheimer's and memory so that I'm not so afraid. I just hope that what I find doesn't make things worse. 

So anyway, I was saying, trying to immortalize my memories into photos and words so that I never forget what happened to me. That's another purpose of this blog I suppose. I actually did a 365 in 2011 where you take one photo on each day of the year. It chronicles your events for an entire year. I was inspired by a friend and then inspired two other friends (who were sadly unable to finish after a few months) and found it to be a wonderful experience. Through photo, I saw how I changed, matured, grew, had happy moments, sad moments, cried, laughed, all of that corny stuff. But actually, it happened. It's on facebook somewhere, my 365 albums. And there is a good possibility that I would like to do one of these again in 2013. New experiences, new photos, new changes. Yayay.

Here's Duke from my point of view:

It's so important for me not to forget.

In other news, I have a conflict that I don't know who to go to in order to get advice. It's not an immediate, not able to do anything but think about it kind of conflict. It's a I wish this didn't bother me but it's not impeding my work but it's kind of always in the back of my head kind of conflict. It's not a new conflict, it's one that everyone has. What do you do when you want something that you know isn't necessarily good for you but you think would make you very happy? What if there's resistance? Want versus need. Self-control I'm very good at. That's why I haven't let coffee happen to me yet. That's why I haven't let alcohol happen to me yet. That's why I can control my sugar intake... for the most part. But this is different. This is people.

Lastly before I go to bed, I just want to bring up a really interesting conversation we had in my Culture and Mind class on Tuesday. The idea of luck and the existence of deserving things. Do we ever really deserve something for ourselves based on what we've done in the past to reach it? Subjectivity and objectivity is so crucial here. If a teacher marks an answer to a math problem incorrect when you've done it completely correctly, did you deserve those points? Probably, that's objective. Is there then a difference between entitlement and deserving? You're entitled to those points. But if you worked very hard in high school and applied to a college that matched your credentials but didn't get in, did you deserve to get in? How about the other guy who didn't have the credentials but did get in; did he deserve it? I dunno. We accept the good things that happen to us so quickly and say that our own hard work and led us to it. We may or may not have deserved it. But as soon as bad things come along, we try and find someone to blame it on. Someone or something. Oh, it was just bad luck. Did you deserve that? How about karma, does that exist? So many times in my past when I've been hurt by people, I've wished it was, but then that's just an endless cycle. You're wishing bad on someone else, and then karma will come back to bite you. Meh. Food for thought. 

But regardless of all of this, I'm still happy. I promise. Hugs all around. Let's prepare for a stressful next couple of weeks.