Fearless

It isn't until this year that I fully experienced the phenomenon that they call the mood swing. Maybe it's not the first time I've fully experienced it, but rather the first time I've been able to recognize my changing emotions about certain things at certain times and how I can feel seven different ways about one topic in the span of a week. An example. In the past week, I have felt the following emotions about my academic future and career path: determined, excited, confused, pessimistic, optimistic, frustrated, upset, confident, motivated, and hopeless. No, I was not on my period. Another example. In the past week, I have felt the following emotions about spending the majority of my summer with my sister: annoyed, disappointed, gratified, content, unsatisfied, and like I just want to give her hugs all the time. With so many feelings, it's hard to tell which ones are the real ones and which ones are just there because it's "that time of night" or "that time of the month" or just "one of those days." Or are any of them your real feelings? Or are none of them your real feelings? Or are all of them your real feelings? I guess it can be summed up by ambivalence? But it's not really even that because I have discreet feelings, it's not like I'm unsure. I just feel everything at different moments. And now more than ever before, I can feel myself changing moods or emotions about a certain something and not knowing how to stop it or to decide which feeling is what I really feel. Usually I just send the emotional information to the logic part of my brain and let it decide what it wants me to believe. So for school work, I've picked determined, motivated and optimistic and for time with my sister, I've decided on content and hugs. After writing this all out, I realize that it makes absolutely no sense and I've discovered nothing more than the big secret that is moodiness.

I've never been a moody person, not outwardly anyways. I don't think I would start being mean to anyone or anything all of a sudden (except my sister, which a lot of times I feel bad about), but I definitely start to get upset or get super excited about things very randomly and all of a sudden. It's the worst because it's uncontrollable too. I hate feelings. I don't actually, feelings are wonderful. Well, only when they're good feelings. Well sometimes bad feelings can be good feelings. Like soreness. And.... Okay, still being incoherent. 

But really, how would we know what happy feels like if we didn't know what sad feels like?

I'm going to Jersey for a week to see my friends. If you're reading this and you want to hang out while I'm there, hit me up on August 4th. I didn't know who actually wanted to see me so I didn't message that many people, but let me knowww. Sigh, I wish I still lived in the northeast. It's too redneck down here.

I hope Texas doesn't kick me out now.

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