Sometimes I'm afraid that my dreams aren't big enough. That I should be wishing and hoping for so much more than I am. I'd like to say that I'm ambitious, but maybe I just don't believe in my own dreams. Like I don't believe that I could make them come true. I feel like my goals are too "mainstream," things that aren't up to the level of what I expect of myself. And then there's the people telling me not to look at my goals relative to other people's goals, which is probably good advice, but it's hard. Most of the time at Duke, I feel like I'm just not shooting high enough or I've fallen behind so how will I get myself back into the race. But here are two things that I just realized: 1) It's never too late to do the best that I can to bring myself back, this is precisely what happened to me in high school. It just took a while for me to get fully adjusted. And 2) Why am I even bothering myself with being in this race? Part of my purpose is, of course, to get a good education so I can get a good job and raise a family etc etc. But with full honesty, I am also studying because I genuinely want to learn more about what I'm interested in, whether it be for my career or hobbies or skills that I want to be able to use in the future. Maybe I just haven't been working hard enough toward these goals of mine, because I'm pretty sure I can work twenty times harder. 

I know dreams aren't meant to be compared because you want what you want, blah blah blah, but how do you know that you want something if you don't even know it exists? Some people just seem to know how to pursue their talents; they get the support, they have the skills, and they just do it. I've always felt like I'm kind of good at a bunch of things, but not really good at anything. But come to think of it, maybe it's because I've never worked hard enough at anything. I'll admit it here today: I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of trying something and realizing I'm no good or it's not for me and having to start all the way again from scratch. I'm afraid of reaching my senior year of college and realizing that I didn't make the right choices for me and having the desire to start all over. Even if I'm not that successful, I want to be happy and I want to feel like I made the right decisions for my own life. And yes, they'll say, we only learn to make right decisions from the wrong decisions we make, so don't be afraid to make the wrong decisions, but please. But not minding if I'm not successful, even that isn't true. Because my parents care, and I care about what my parents care about, and I want to do what makes them happy too. It's like an eternal struggle. 

My struggles are like next to nothing, don't think I don't know that. My life is perfectly fine, I just need security. I tend to be very insecure about everything, we know that by now. Do I want to go to medical school? I still don't know; I still don't know all of my options. Yes, I want to help people and when I saw those patients suffering at the clinic this summer I wished there was some way I could help them. But I also want to help develop new, better treatments, not just prescribe medications and behavioral therapy. If there is one thing I do know, it's that when I'm suffering, I always wish there was someone out there to solve my problems and just tell me what to do to make it all go away. Of course, most times in life, that someone has to be myself, figuring out my problems on my own. Doctors do that, they extinguish fear because they've learned not to fear. They've learned how to solve other people's problems so that not so many of us suffer. Is that something that I want to do? Yeah I think it is. Because I fear all of the things that I've seen this summer at the clinic and I want to learn how to fix it. I want to see helplessness turn to happiness because of something that I did. If there's one another thing I know, it's that if I do become a doctor, I do not want to be a primary care physician or someone that you need to go to for regular checkups. People hate those doctors. Like for example, I hate the dentist, no matter how much she tries to talk to me while she knows that I clearly can't speak because I have 5 tools sticking out of my mouth that is held wide open by a giant black rubber thing that would inevitably make my jaw sore for the next two days goddamn dentist. I'm definitely specializing so you come to me because you need me. Moving on.

One of my main problems right now I think is that I'm not taking advantage of the opportunities that Duke is offering to me. I want to do an independent study, yes. Am I supposed to know what about? Is that a thing that I should know? Because I sure as hell don't know. I guess next semester will be the moment of truth, whether I'm able to put my developing human interaction skills to good use and find some faculty that I can make good relationships with. Paving my way. I'll figure it out, no worries. Hakuna matata.

Maybe that's not a good life motto. Maybe I should figure it out now instead of continuously pushing it back. Probably. Meh, I'll figure it out.

Okay that's enough of a rant for tonight. To sleep I go. Also, if anyone wants to recommend any good foreign movies to me, I'm all ears. Peace out.

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One Response so far.

  1. Anonymous says:

    pan's labyrinth

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