Fearless

So I'm back in Texas for the summer. Yaaaaay.

I think one of the reasons this summer is firstly, not that exciting for me, and secondly, almost scares me, is because I'm afraid of distance causing my relationships and friendships with people to weaken. Then I think, no, if anything it will purge friendships if anything, see which ones can withstand 4 months of distance. And even though I have a strong feeling that most of the close friendships I've made and my relationship will be stronger than ever once I get back to school in the fall, I can't help but worry nonetheless.

I'm laying alone on the edge of my bed tonight and chuckling to myself about how there's definitely enough room for two while there wasn't back at Duke. In a house this big it's a wonder why it's so difficult to do things secretly and without disturbing anyone.

Late nights alone in my room at home are going to be troublesome. My house pretty much shuts down at 10 or 11 pm while that's the time that I start to wake up. Late nights alone with my thoughts in my room are going to be troublesome. Late nights alone with my thoughts about how this summer scares me and I'm having problems avoiding conflicts about my life with my parents in my room are going to be troublesome. Maybe it's better for me to just sleep earlier. Yeah, it probably is. Avoid thinking at all costs.

They think I'm happier to be at home than at school. Yeah I'm happy to be home, but that first sentence is a lie. I don't want to lie but I know it's not true. Shrug, I'm just being a teenager? Shrug, I'll grow out of it and learn what I really want when I'm older? I guess. I don't even know.

Sonal, try harder to be more optimistic about this summer. You'll do some fun shit and spend some time with the fam. Make the best of it and you'll see everyone again in the fall. It'll be over before you know it.

Yeah, but family pressures aren't something I can avoid discussing forever, you know?

Well yeah, so you have to learn to absorb the conflict and turn it into compromise or something. There's that option or you can give in to what your parents want or you can just do what you want.

But I can't disappoint them, it would break my own heart along with theirs. But I want to do what I want to do. Why can't I just like, force myself to be more family oriented? Why am I crying about something so petty?

Stop crying. You'll find a resolution, it'll just take time. For now, stop trying to avoid the conflict all the time and talk it out and find that solution. Things will be fine.

Thanks.


I'm fine, don't worry. I just need some o dat sunshine. (:

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2 Responses so far.

  1. Anonymous says:

    Sometimes I have the same ambivalence about leaving school and coming home, but in a note of optimism I tell myself that the fact I am having such conflicts is a testament to all these wonderful relationships I have developed in the past year. Without them, there will be nothing worth reminiscing in school that provides for the nostalgia I am (and you are)currently feeling.
    But believe me when I say I understand the lonely days spent at home, and the over sentimentality that comes with an excessive, uncontrollable chain of thoughts. Being alone used to be a form of solace, but not anymore. Now it's a kind of unsettling loneliness that comes with a desire to engage in conversations and to know that someone out there cares. Yes, living in groups has made us susceptible to the solitude and the uncontrollable consequences that may come with disappearing wholly from other's spheres - it is the constant fear of "out of sight, out of mind."
    But sentiments aside, just remember, if anything cannot withstand three-four months of parting, it's probably not something worth clinging on to. Remember: time is the best medium of judgment.

  2. Sonal says:

    Ahh yes. You are right. I think I know this, but sometimes when there are friendships that are not yet completely secure and you hope they don't fall away, it can be worrying. But I suppose if the other end feels the same way, it means that it is a friendship worth being there. This is what the summer will be and it's all right. As it progresses I think I'll become more confident with all of this. Most of the "upset"ness here wasn't really about friendship stuff, more family stuff that I didn't describe explicitly. But thank you ~

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