Fearless

Conflict lies where you don't know whether to let yourself remember or not. Remembering feels so good, feeling can feel so good, but you know it'll be bittersweet because it'll just leave you aching when the hole in your heart that you never knew existed expands to swallow up every other thought you're trying to have and leaves you with only the one that pains you. We want sweatshirts and music and memories to remember them by because the smell and the tune and the emotions make us feel wonderful. But then comes heavy breathing and loss of focus because there's nothing we can do to get them back at this point in time when we need them most. I'm being overdramatic, I know, it sounds like it in words. But you know what this feels like. Missing someone so much that it hurts, missing him so much that it's no longer a pleasant feeling, like missing can sometimes be. It feels like someone is squeezing your lungs and won't let enough air into them. And that such a phenemenon of the brain affects so strongly your heart and your stomach and your lungs is amazing. I'm fine right now, don't you worry. Winter break is not the problem. But the more time passes, the closer we get to the inevitable, and I always thought I was a lot stronger than I'm beginning to realize that I am. I don't want to remember anything. I don't want to think about anything related to anything about that because I know it's just going to hurt. I can't play our music or any music that's even relatively sad, I cant wear your gifts, I can't visit those places or do those things. I clearly could never be a long distance person. I already cry just as the thought crosses my mind, I'm going to be a mess next fall.

And missing someone whom you love is hardest because you have no one to blame for it. They miss you just as much.

Goddamn emotions.

But I realized while studying neuro that if I could fully control my emotions, I would be a psychopath, so I'm glad that's not true also.

Are there any positives to this feeling? Let's think.

You know you truly love them and care for them and that they do for you.
You can always anticipate that day that they return and you'll see each other again after so long.
You learn not to take them for granted and to enjoy every moment you have together.
You develop yourselves emotionally with each other. Thank goodness for technology.

But this is never enough. I wish I were stronger.

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