Fearless

So I've only been really jealous once before in my life, but it's coming like a wave again but on a much different subject. Jealousy is a really weird feeling. You know inside that you really have nothing to be jealous about, that your abilities or life is just as good as anyone else's and that although you can pinpoint a reason or cause, it's something that you know not to be truly, only superficially true. From how I see it, the person you're jealous of either knows you are or not, and you're either friends with them or not. If you're friends with them, you start to become angry or distant because you hold animosity for no fault of their own. If you're not friends with them, it's just kind of weird because you don't really have any basis to hold animosity and you don't really dislike them, but you still kind of do, also for no fault of their own. Or at least this is the way it is seeming to happen for me. I'm not a bad jealous person, I don't take it out on anyone else, but it kind of ends up making me angry and upset with myself, mostly for not doing or being better or trying harder. I self-inflict blame that way a lot. And then I think, Sonal you're stupid, you're completely fine in your own way, and then other people tell me the same thing, but that voice inside your head just doesn't let you listen. The more jealous you are, the more you stalk the person's facebook. The more you watch their videos. The more you try to hear the gossip. Yes it's counterintuitive and stupid, but isn't it true? God, I hate feelings.

Just kidding, feelings are awesome. But jealousy is a prime example of one of those feelings that you feel like you are falling into rather than rising into. Like, you know, when you feel happy, you feel like you're rising up into a sunshine of happiness or something metaphorical thing like that. But jealousy is like, shit, I'm in this pit, now how do I get out of here? I can stop thinking about it, but when I think about not thinking about it, I end up thinking about it. That kind of thing. That's what jealousy has felt like. It's not something that is so deeply engrained that I feel it all the time; it's near the surface, just waiting to be pulled into consciousness when something makes me sensitive to it. And then things that aren't even related to the reason you are jealous of this person cause you to become even more jealous than you were because -- well, no one really knows why, but shit happens. Whyyy. 

This semester more than ever, I've felt so much more vulnerable to my emotions than ever before. I let myself do things on a whim and make decisions based on what I feel. And frankly, I don't know if that's something that I like or not. I've always been the one to make decisions based on rationale and controlled, logical thinking, but now all of a sudden I'm going around doing whatever the hell I feel like. Well, not exactly, but you get the idea. I literally wrote a paper last semester about how I liked to control everything that I did, and now I'm finding out that that's changing? The point someone's made is that I've repressed myself so much from doing the things that I've wanted to or voicing the things that I've wanted that that's probably internally frustrated me. It's true, I want so many things out of life and out of people that I don't ask for because it's not something I should have or need or think is an appropriate desire. Why stop myself is the question. Why not ask and do more of the things that I want? Yes, I want cute, cheesy things in my relationship; I'm not the tomboy that I used to be, but I'm also not a girly girl or a hard core feminist. I like balance. I like the cute things and I like to reciprocate and show you how much I feel too, so why don't I let myself? I don't know why. So if there's no reason, let's drop the walls. I want to eat a lot more than I do, and people complain about me eating too little, so why don't I? Am I caring too much about what people think? Eat what you want, just be healthy, goddammit Sonal. 

So yeah, things like that. Just letting myself ask for and do what I feel like. Also, letting emotions control my thoughts has been a big thing that I've allowed my brain to do as a consequence of all of these examples and more. I still can't decide if it's a good or bad thing for me. I'm allowing myself to become more vulnerable which is both, like I've talked about before.  I just have to be careful about the people that I trust as well. I don't think there will ever be a point where I completely let myself go, but if there is someone who can make me do that, I know it'll be someone that I will love forever and never let go. I've opened up a lot more than I was just two or three years ago, and if you knew me then and you know me now, you might not even recognize me as the same person.

One Response so far.

  1. Anonymous says:

    That was deep.

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