Fearless

I don't know if there's a word for that feeling you get when you can't decide if something feels good or bad or right or wrong. You know that you feel something, but can't decide emotionally if it's good or bad. I mean, sure, you can analyze it and look at the pros and the cons and ultimately make a decision for or against, but it's hard to figure out what exactly it is that you simply feel. Sometimes when things become different than they were, it can be good but also feel sad or nostalgic. I experienced this when I visited Jersey to see my friends this summer. My interactions and conversations with some of them felt much different than before, but for a good reason: I had changed as a person, as I'm sure they did as well, by becoming more secure in the person that I am, not questioning my inherent personality because of what others have to say about it. Still, having things be different than they used to is sad because I still had great times and I'm sure we still would have great times, but what used to be is gone. I guess that's why they tell you not to live in the past.

I don't need to change myself to fit what others want of me, I should do what makes me comfortable with myself. I don't need to sacrifice my habits and personalities. Only then will I be able to see the people who matter, because they'll accept it the most. I thought I convinced myself of this a long time ago, but apparently I'm beginning to doubt myself again. Let's not, Sonal. Let's not.

I feel so much more settled at Duke than I did last year. I feel like I can accomplish much more than I did last year because I know where to look for opportunities now and how to get to places. This has always been the problem -- it takes me a full year to get adjusted to things completely and by that time, everyone else is already way ahead. It's all right though, I'll make this year worth it. I hope. Just balancing all the things on my plate will be a struggle because it's much more than last year. It'll be a challenge, but hopefully a successful and most likely a gratifying one. 

I'm still trying to figure out if I necessarily need to be denying myself from doing a lot of things that I love or really want to be doing. Spending too much time with people whom I love being with, letting myself be completely open with my parents about things, eating sweets, you know, that kind of stuff. Why is it that I'm so afraid of becoming clingy? Why am I still not secure enough to let mistakes happen and resolve them after? Sometimes things feel so surreal and perfect that I'm too afraid to tarnish them and so I do make sacrifices and I do ignore certain feelings just so the feeling of perfect doesn't go away. But it nags at you, doesn't it? It nags and you need to confront it, that's the only solution. And I know this and I learned to do this already, but what makes it so hard this time? Because I've seen it not work out so many times and felt so many things that I don't want to feel again. I'm scared, and I need to get over it. Seriously.

Do you feel like I should be able to tell you anything at all? That's really all I want, but I guess I made the mistake of thinking it was all agreeable. 

I don't want things to be different, but it's not like I'm afraid of change either. Really good times come in our lives and we wish that they lasted forever, but it's really better that they don't. So for the next times you have a good time, you get to relive that feeling in spurts and not as a continuous stream. Sheer happiness is better as a box of oreos than a bottle of Vitamin Water, you know what I mean?

Okay, I stopped making sense. I'm going to go. Byeee. 

Categories: ,

Leave a Reply