Fearless

So it's New Year's Eve and I'm going to do one of those end of the year posts that is super cliche and expected but you know, WHATEVER because it's a great way for me to reflect! It doesn't feel at all like the New Year, and I'm not sure why that is. Maybe because there are a lot of bigger things on my mind this year than to focus on New Year's Day. Maybe because things feel more like a continuation than a fresh start. Yeah, I think that's it actually. It doesn't feel this year as if I'll be able to start new goals or anything major will change with the year number changing, rather as if everything that has happened this year will just jump the page onto a new month. Maybe this is what getting older does to you... I think the beginning of an academic year begins to feel more like the "New Year" than New Year's Day itself because that's when all the real starting fresh begins. Regardless, there is a lot of emotions that I'...

I have a really bad habit of biting at the skin around my fingernails. I don't even remember how this became something that I was just okay with. I don't remember when it became a habit. I try so hard to stop it, but I always unconsciously end up right where I began, deteriorating something that I should be keeping clean and beautiful. I bite them because it's an impulse but I tell myself it won't happen again the next time. Our country is creating a really bad habit of making decisions against our national standard. We don't even remember if this is something that began or something that just never really ended. We try so hard to create equality and justice, but this country always ends up right where it began, deteriorating something that we portray to the world as diverse and welcoming. Mindsets are so difficult to change, so people just tell themselves it won't happen again the next time. And then what happens? It does. It happens again and again...

HEEEYY! I could give every person I know a big Sonal bear hug right now, that's how happy I'm feeling. If you read me a month ago, I was bawling my eyes out and complaining about the many pressures I'm dealing with lately. I said that this semester has been a roller coaster of emotion and that it felt like even in a week I couldn't maintain one state of mind. See, I'm really serious, two weeks ago I was crying and now I'm listening to Taylor Swift's new album and smiles every moment of every day! It's actually incredible. I'm just afraid it'll go downhill again, but I'm hoping for the best (today). Awaaz 2014 was incredible. The best Awaaz, of the two I've been in, so far. I literally don't know if it could've gotten any better. My team felt like a strong united group of people who loved to dance and had a common goal: to excite and impress and have fun. That's what I've always wanted from my dance team, a community t...

So it's been a while and it's not like I have time to be writing, but I think it's really necessary given all the stuff that's been going on lately. This semester has been an emotional rollercoaster, as I've discussed with a handful of my friends already, and there hasn't been a week where I've felt one constant emotion. It's great to feel happy for a full week obviously, but if I'm going to be sad, I'd like that emotion to be continuous rather than constantly interrupted by other things! I Skyped a friend and in the range of 3 hours I legitimately cried, laughed, and got angry. In three hours. It's exhausting not being able to keep up with your own feelings. While sophomore year felt like a slump, monotonous and repetitive, at least it was consistent. It made me jaded, but it did not prepare me for this semester, where I've done the absolutely opposite of felt consistent. I miss stability. Being a Dhoom captain is something I thought ...

Why is it that when we see friends around campus and they ask how we are, almost all of our default answers involve being "busy but good"? How often do we take the opportunity to actually understand how we are feeling and why we are feeling that way? Maybe we won't reach an answer because even our state emotions are very dynamic, changing minute to minute according to what's going on around us, but we would've at least delved further into ourselves and understood something. We are never feeling nothing. And since when has "busy" been the first word that comes out of everyone's mouth even if it's not true? Here at Duke, we don't want anyone to think that we're falling behind and not doing as much as the next guy because that would apparently mean that our aspirations and goals aren't as high. We must constantly be volunteering or working in the lab or at some sort of meeting or practice otherwise we're not doing enough. I don'...

So it's been almost 2 and a half months since I last wrote, and why I haven't in so long I have absolutely no excuse for. Yeah, I was busy, but I definitely still had time. I guess I just couldn't find anything substantial enough to write. As I get older, even in the past year, I feel as if the things that are worthy of discussion or thought are becoming more and more specific and of a smaller range. I think I've forgotten the freedom that I wanted from this blog when I first starting writing it. Some people really like it, which I'm so thankful for, but some people also think I'm too dramatic and/or personal, and I've never been good at taking negativity, I suppose. That's why I was unsure what was important enough for me to write, but I should be able to write whatever I want, right? Sure. I guess the first thing I'd want to address is the fact that we are hella old now... Juniors in college... It feels like just yesterday I was being left out...

Today I volunteered at the Triangle Caregivers Conference, which is a collection of vendors/exhibitors as well as sessions for caregivers who are taking care of spouses or parents or relatives with a debilitating disease. It was a really interesting experience and I enjoyed the many conversations I had with people who were interested in the only Indian girl under 30 at the conference. By that I mean, only Indian, only person under 30. Both things.  One of the things that really struck me was how careful these caregivers have to become in what they say to their impaired loved one and also to the children of the family who will take offense to the mood swings that their grandparents are having or be so hurt that their grandparent won't remember them. You have to lie to your loved one sometimes, just to keep the peace and hold down the fort. You have to give children only age appropriate information. You have to do this without guilt. That's something I would have a lot of trou...