Fearless

So it's been a while and it's not like I have time to be writing, but I think it's really necessary given all the stuff that's been going on lately. This semester has been an emotional rollercoaster, as I've discussed with a handful of my friends already, and there hasn't been a week where I've felt one constant emotion. It's great to feel happy for a full week obviously, but if I'm going to be sad, I'd like that emotion to be continuous rather than constantly interrupted by other things! I Skyped a friend and in the range of 3 hours I legitimately cried, laughed, and got angry. In three hours. It's exhausting not being able to keep up with your own feelings. While sophomore year felt like a slump, monotonous and repetitive, at least it was consistent. It made me jaded, but it did not prepare me for this semester, where I've done the absolutely opposite of felt consistent. I miss stability.

Being a Dhoom captain is something I thought I would love, and I do because I get to watch an idea that I co-came up with being embraced and performed by my team. I've never had a leadership position as high as this before, and it's been an incredible experience to watch the team grow closer and create something so beautiful in dance, but I also didn't expect it to be as stressful as it is. Both my co-captain and I are constantly ripping our hairs out at logistics and time crunches and trying to be assertive, strict captains, but finding it lies outside our personality. I'm hoping all the work we've put in, both the team and captains, pays off at Awaaz, but getting here was really difficult. I feel like I have something to prove to the dance community about my team with this performance, but one of my main goals is also to make people in the audience want to get up and dance. If that happens, I'll feel like I've succeeded. It's all of these combined pressures that makes this Awaaz performance of such high importance to me. And it's been Dhoom that has had a large hand in this emotional rollercoaster this semester. But I'm not going to give it up so easily: just hopefully next semester and next year will be easier to handle..

Our Dhoom theme this year is about a girl wanting to do something different from what her mother wants for her and her mother in the end finally accepting it and supporting her. Sometimes I wish it were that easy in real life. Simply dance and sing and show your parents what you want and they'll support you. I don't know about other cultures, but Indian parents won't let you go. Mine especially. They hold on until they know they can't hold you any longer, like I can't make big decisions as an almost 20 year old. Yes, they're paying for my education so I guess I owe them something and I'll pay it back if that's what they're looking for, but I know it's not. We're family, they're my parents and I think they just want the best for me? I just wish I was allowed to make my own mistakes and have the experiences that I really want to have without being told no for irrational reasons. Everyone is allowed one irrational thing, and compromises are a must. Everyone is telling me I need to take my life into my own hands and make my own decisions about what I want and what I think is good for me even if they go against what my parents want for me. It's really difficult because I've grown up doing everything I was asked, fighting against things, but ultimately giving in because I can't stand up to my parents for the things I believe in or want.

If you're out there reading this and you've had similar experiences, I would really love to talk to someone about it. Please don't hesitate to tell me. I think it could benefit all of us. We're not against our parents, obviously, but we can't find a way to get what we believe will truly make us happy while also not feeling like we've disappointed the people that are most important to us. Don't know if it can be done.

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