Fearless

So it's been almost 2 and a half months since I last wrote, and why I haven't in so long I have absolutely no excuse for. Yeah, I was busy, but I definitely still had time. I guess I just couldn't find anything substantial enough to write. As I get older, even in the past year, I feel as if the things that are worthy of discussion or thought are becoming more and more specific and of a smaller range. I think I've forgotten the freedom that I wanted from this blog when I first starting writing it. Some people really like it, which I'm so thankful for, but some people also think I'm too dramatic and/or personal, and I've never been good at taking negativity, I suppose. That's why I was unsure what was important enough for me to write, but I should be able to write whatever I want, right?

Sure.

I guess the first thing I'd want to address is the fact that we are hella old now... Juniors in college... It feels like just yesterday I was being left out of the friend group in the 5th grade, but here I am now with amazing friends and a place. Not a set place, but a flexible place which I can mold and create to be whatever I want it to be. Junior year is really comfortable, because we know the campus, the people, the ways of life in most parts of the college experience by this point. I know where that I'm most comfortable studying in my room and I don't need to experiment anymore. I know a lot of people study in Perkins and even though I used to almost feel FOMO about it, I'm pretty much over that at this point. I don't really wander anymore, I always walk with purpose. I hardly make dinner plans with anyone anymore, it's just grab and go and get back to work. And something I think I used to do a lot more was smile at people as I walked by them. Not that I don't anymore at all, but I definitely don't feel as inclined to as of late. It's not like I'm sad or anything; I'm pretty happy I would say (could be better, but that's not really the most positive way to put it, heh). But I feel at a weird dynamic standstill. On one hand, I'm so used to being at Duke that it's started to feel a bit boring. I have the same friends, which is good, because we've become so close as these years have progressed, but I need something fresh and new. 

Coming in as a freshman always feels exciting and everything you start to do feels exciting because it's such a big leap of freedom from high school and all the shit we had to put up back then. We didn't used to restrict ourselves from 3 am conversations with friends even though we had an 8:30 the next morning. Sophomore year, even though it felt like a slump, was still nice to be on campus and see the people we were close to and enjoy classes and social life without being too concerned about the future. And now, we have to be concerned that the MCAT is literally around the corner, that we're half done and maybe haven't done everything we should've, and also feel like life has become so constant. I suppose it's only been the first two weeks or so, and I'm hoping Dhoom spices up my life as it always has (especially being captain this year!). So I'm staying positive and hoping something happens to make life exciting again, something that's not related to medical school. I decided this could happen in a couple of ways: I study abroad, I go bungee-jumping, I make some new friends. Since the first two are kind of implausible at this particular point in my life, I think the third one is the safe, but really fulfilling way to go.

I'd love to meet some new friends and talk again for hours with them like we would freshman year about things that matter and things that don't matter and funny things and sad things. It's difficult to infiltrate groups nowadays because it's just not my personality to butt in or include myself where I don't feel immediately comfortable. I think that's a slight flaw, but I'd love to meet someone who would just want to talk or play music and want to get to know me better because I wanted to get to know them. It's so hard to come by, but that's probably also because I exclude myself from social events so often that there's nowhere for that person to find me... Problem to be solved number one of many. 

I feel as though life has become: go to classes, go to the lab, eat, come back and do work. Television isn't part of my schedule anymore, nor are games or movies that aren't for my film class. I spend only weekends completely detaching myself from work that I should be doing, because I know I deserve that break. It's difficult to keep out of your head the things that you still have to do and just focus on enjoying yourself, because there will never be an end to the things we need to do. I spend my Friday nights and Saturday nights doing things I couldn't do for the rest of the week, and not feeling guilty that I'm not in the library like some of my friends. Rather I wish they could join me instead. And most of Duke, I feel, has already done this, and I have stuck to this rule for almost my entire time here. Now I suppose I'm just a lot more confident about the decision, and don't feel like I need to catch up to anybody because we all have our own pace of doing things. It's not even that I don't manage my time well, I manage it fairly well and get things done days ahead of time. Problem two of many is that there's never an end to the things you should be doing. And then at the end of every weekend I come to the awareness that life doesn't stop moving forward just because I want to. 

Okay, enough with this I, me, myself, everything is about me nonsense. Have we been noticing how much feminist content has been coming up in my newsfeed and conversations in the past month? My opinions on everything related to feminism have become so much stronger in the past couple of months and I can't really pinpoint why that is. It might have been being in the company of a couple of assholes who may have had girlfriends, but definitely didn't know how to treat women right. It might have been some of the strong media that has been released lately related to women's issues. It also just may have been more mature conversations with peers who also have developing opinions on the subject. To be able to see and understand more of the things that are wrong with our social language norms and things we often overlook because, "Oh, that's just how it is," or "Oh, that's just how he is," is both liberating and extremely frustrating. Beauty and the Beast is a story about domestic abuse. (No not really, just go with it and read the thing) "Everyone needs a place, it shouldn't be inside of someone else.

And now we have to deal with shit like leaked photos of Jennifer Lawrence and a girl at Colombia who has to carry around a mattress to make a point about rape. This isn't something new that's started happening, it's just that we're trying to do something about it now and it upsets the entire system because we should just stay fucking quiet and let whatever words want to be said said and whatever inequality of judgement wants to happen happen because at least it won't disrupt the world. Taking charge of our own lives and decisions is so important, no matter who it's from: parents, the government, even so called "friends." Pretty much, don't take shit from anyone, because you're awesome.

Anyway, this is enough for now, and hopefully I'll be more motivated to write again soon and not worry about what people say. In other news, if you want to help my life and hopefully yours too be a little more eventful and exciting, let's hang out sometime. If we're friends and haven't seen each other in a while or even if we've never spoken, I'd seriously love to have a conversation with you about anything but politics. :) I'll try to do the same! It's a new goal. Peaaaace :)

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