Fearless

This title is relevant in so many different ways right now.

I'm sitting around at home, job searching, watching TV, wasting time. You know the feeling we have during college when you wake up on a Monday morning and you know your week will be productive in one way or another because you have classes to go to and extracurricular meetings to attend? You wish that you had some time just to sit back and relax. Well, I'm relaxing now and it is driving me CRAZY! It's not like I'm a workaholic who needs to be doing something all the time, but after a week or so of watching nonstop TV, I feel like I need to be filling my time with something else. I've started drawing again, started reading books, going to the gym, but what I really want is 1) a job acceptance, 2) medical school acceptances, 3) friends in Austin, and 4) somewhere to go. I have my sister, yes, but I miss having friends - college life. Maybe this is withdrawal I'm feeling - the urge to download Tinder just to have someone around here to talk to. I don't think I can go without friends here much longer. Being stuck in the middle of college and a job/medical school is surprisingly draining and mind-numbing. I've gotten mad at my mom the past two days for super dumb reasons, and I feel like some sort of intense restlessness is developing inside of me. It's frustration with myself for feeling like I should have a job by now and not knowing if my personal statement was good enough and not putting myself out there enough - it's reflecting off of everyone else. Ironic right? Graduate from Duke, and then feel inadequacy. It's hard to tease apart my confidence and my inadequacy. Stuck in the middle. Ugh.

Well that got deep fast. Another thing that I've realized since I've been back home is how I've become stuck between these adult and kid roles. I just got out of being a kid, but I still remember exactly what it's like. In trying to solve the problems between my parents and my sister, I'm forced to pick sides, but how can you pick a side when you relate to both of them? Let me give you an example: my sister wants to wake up at 1 pm every day because it is her summer vacation and that's what all of her friends do. My parents think that is ridiculous because you're wasting the entire morning sleeping. Don't get me wrong, I slept until 1 pm many days in the past 4 years, but I agree that there are so many things that can get done in the morning if you don't sleep until the afternoon. I remember wanting to wake up late on weekends and summers in high school, but my parents waking me up with loud music and vacuum cleaners at 9 am. How do you appease everyone? You don't. You get stuck in the middle and everyone hates you. Just kidding, but really, being the oldest child has its own challenges, especially with the 6 year age gap I have with my sister. My sister who just wants to text her friends all the time, wants to Skype in the middle of the night, doesn't want to practice her instrument, doesn't want to do the dishes. It's difficult to oppose my now "adult" instincts and remind myself that I wanted all the things she did when she was her age, but I turned out fine. Well, mostly.

In other news, I started watching The Flash. The guy is really cute. Story is not bad. It's a bit unsettling how many guys I follow on Instagram just because they're attractive - Ryan Reynolds, Grant Gustin, Wesley Chan, Grayson Allen, Colin O'Donoghue, Justin Baldoni (but he doesn't REALLY count because he's basically the most incredible person in the world). See, they're not just attractive, they have so many other talents going for them. Sigh, y'all just think I'm shallow now, don't you?

Peace out.

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