Fearless

Today I want to write about something that is a bit more personal than most things I write. It's something I think about almost every night when I slip into bed and often fall asleep with these thoughts in my head. Relationships.

I remember how it felt in high school: having a year long crush on the same guy and wanting to be in a relationship - mostly for the sake of being in a relationship. Things felt like they would be so much better and happier if someone cared for me romantically. My self-worth was so defined by the way that others saw me, particularly boys. If boys didn't "like like" me, it meant something was wrong with me. Yes, in retrospect, it sounds horrible, but let's be honest with ourselves, a lot of the time that is how we felt. I hated feeling that way, I knew it was wrong, but I craved attention from a guy. I wanted to feel wanted in that way. Yes, raging hormones and the whole adolescence ordeal was happening too, but I never really thought much about the physicality of a relationship - how incredible it felt to be held in someone's arms, to hold someone in yours, and feel intimacy that was unlike any friendship. Wanting something I had never had before was difficult because I didn't know what exactly I wanted, but also easy, because without it I wasn't missing anything.

And now here I am - out of an almost 3 year long relationship, laying in my bed every night, and craving what I once had. This is both difficult and easy too but for the opposite reasons - easier because I know what I want from a relationship now, but difficult because I miss having it. It's not like high school anymore, thank goodness, because men will never again create my definition of myself. But it feels like a more mature of everything I felt in high school. I especially miss the intimacy, which I suppose makes sense since my top love languages are physical touch and quality time. It's strange - I crave it, but I don't ache for "love" like before because I can live off of the emotions and feelings in my memories. Memories are truly a powerful thing; they make you yearn, fill you with nostalgia, but their emotions are satisfying. Or at least, satisfying enough for now. I'll be patient, really, but I still worry about finding someone who will live up to these standards in my head. Ironically, even though being in a relationship taught me to stop being so idealistic in my standards for guys, learning from things that went wrong also raised my standards in other ways. I guess these standards are more mature and realistic. They're about communication styles, love languages, and lifestyle habits. It's really most important just to be honest with yourself about whether those things are there or not.

Anyway, I guess I'm just feeling lonely more than anything because I don't have friends around right now or a job to keep my mind busy. It's weird remembering what it feels like to have so much free time... I don't like it. Give me productivity or give me death. Just kidding. 

Leave a Reply