Fearless

I'm starting to develop this fear that if I hang out with only one person or one group of people for too long and don't spend enough time with all of my other friends, one day when I turn around, they won't be there anymore. Last year I dedicated my time to everyone and it's becoming gradually more difficult to balance and be intentional. But I was so good at being intentional, so what happened? I'll tell you what happened. I started dating and now all I want to do is spend time with him but that's stupid because I actually really want to spend quality, late night talk time with my other friends too but when I'm free they're busy and I can never seem to find the balance. Sometimes I'm not really sure what to do anymore because I've gradually taught myself to listen to what my emotions are telling me to do, but there are these friends that I can't imagine becoming distant from. I love every moment of every day that I've spent, but then why do I feel guilt still?

Gah, why is balance so goddamn difficult.

And I don't know if it's the mood lighting or the late night music or the fact that I'm sitting alone in my room the night before fall break, but for the first time in a really long time I feel a little empty. But it's fine, really, I'll get over it. But why? Grades are a lot better than I expected them to be (that's a first), my parents are coming tomorrow, I'm healthy and happy (more or less healthy..). I think it's just this friends thing. Because I can't help thinking long term if I keep doing what I'm doing, people will distance themselves from me and find other people to become close to and eventually I'll have no one. Fuck, it's like high school all over again. No no, I'm definitely exaggerating everything right now and it's just the mood lighting and just don't listen to me right now, okay. Sorry, I'm annoying myself too. It's not like I have problems being alone, but I've just gotten too used to having someone around. And sometimes I feel like I do want to be alone but I can't decide if that's true. I figure I spend enough time alone during the day to spend time with people at night.

Because if I really think about it, most days after or before my Chinese class, I probably spend hours on end not speaking at all because I tend to eat lunch by myself and study or sit somewhere obscure on campus by myself. I sit and any conversation that I have is with myself in my head. It's really not sad or anything, it's just interesting to me how much I hear each day as I walk around campus and how little I actually speak. It's like I'm contained in my own little world for hours on end until the sky gets dark and I finally head back home or actually see someone that I know and get dinner with or whatever. There should be a word for that.

I was also thinking about my relationship with my parents and the reason why I don't really ever feel like telling them what's happening at school or in my life. You know Indian parents do that thing sometimes where they ask you something and then when you start to tell it, they start watching their Indian soaps or sitcoms or looking things up on the computer or what not and become completely distracted and stop listening? That happens a lot in my family. People don't show enough interest and then so I don't bother telling anyone the details anymore. My sister does use all the details because she can talk without having anyone actively listening the whole time and have it be okay. I mean, it's not like I need people to actively listen to me all the time either, but if you asked a question, that's a good time to listen actively. And I realize now that apparently I do the same thing to other people where it comes off as if I don't care enough about what they're saying and I never even realized it. That's something I don't want to pick up from my parents, please no. I'm also allergic to silly/stupid questions and so that's always a struggle with my family. But yes, finally I realize where that comes from. Sigh.

Look it's a brain. Lollipop. It was cinnamon and gross. 


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