Fearless

I'm starting to understand where the term sophomore slump comes from. Everything is static and unchanging; every weekend and every day is the same routine. I know after the summer I really wanted routine again and I'm glad that I have it, but now everything is comfortable and settled and boring. Thankfully, the slump is not affecting my grades, but I feel like it is affecting my social life. I'm at the point of contentment and monotony and I'm so content that it makes me dissatisfied.

And then there's the other thing I'm with or without reason a bit worried about: will not seeing each other as much weaken relationships? I know I've talked about this already, but this doesn't just apply to friendships, but also family relationships and romantic relationships. I'm worried about myself emotionally and if I'll be able to handle this loss of group dynamics that is clearly more prevalent in high school than college and the dependencies that I'm developing. It's sad that my groups are falling apart, but yes that is how things work out and it's okay. I've always needed groups though because it gives me a sense of belonging that I lacked back in elementary school and high school when I was in groups that I didn't really belong in. Pretty much I didn't know how to make the right kinds of friends back then. Now I do more than I did then and I'm finding that I can't have it all: groups that are made up solely of the right kinds of friends. In the end, after we're done with these 4 years, we are off on our own, completely independent with no friends or anything. Everything has to start all over. And after med school or graduate school? That happens all over again and we will become preoccupied with work and family. Family becomes the priority. Why will I be working? Well yes, to help people, change lives, discover something, but also to support a family. That'll be a really big part of it. The point is, these groups that we have now will obviously not be there forever and neither will group dynamics. One day the main "group" that I will have will be my family, and it's kind of almost a scary thought right now, but also pretty true. This is one of the reasons I can't imagine myself being with just any guy who I make friends with in med school or find on an online dating site. The person I spend the rest of my life with should be someone who becomes my best friend.

I also realize that I've let myself in the past few months become too vulnerable to my feelings. I become undisciplined and irrational and even though sometimes it leads to things that I wouldn't have done otherwise but I'm very happy that I did do, it also leads to me falling into emotions that I'm not sure I should have. I know I don't have everything figured, I don't think any of us ever really do, but it's so confusing to decide if I should be following my metaphorical heart or thinking something through thoroughly. A lot of the decisions I've made about my relationship recently have been from the metaphorical heart and I've let myself run free for a while. The control that I always hold upon myself has loosened. A lot of times, I'm happy I've made that decision, but sometimes I still don't know if I should have. I'm creating dependencies and then maintaining those dependencies why... I'm not sure. Maybe because I feel obligated, but I don't think that's it. It feels good to have someone to depend on, but at this point in my life, anyone other than my family is not completely safe to depend on. It's so easy to get hurt and I know that and I know that's what my parents worry about for me especially because I'm just an emotional person who tries to be strong about everything. But honestly, I guess the real meaning of trust that I've derived from all of this is that you know you truly trust someone if you're willing to depend on them fully while disregarding all the risks involved. If this is my definition of trust, I don't know that I fully trust anyone in my life right now except my family. There's the other kind of trust where you have no problems telling people anything about your life and your past and your feelings, but I've never had an issue with that kind of trust, with friends at least. Strangely enough that's almost the opposite for my parents for this kind of trust.

I think we've come to use words like "trust" and "love" so freely nowadays that it has lost the power that it really should. I guess we all do have different definitions of these words, but the way that they're used today are beyond the point of just being different definitions. I don't think knowing someone for two weeks is enough time for you to say that you've fallen in love with them, and maybe that's just my practicality speaking. It might be idealistically cute and what not, but love entails so much more than just initial attraction and common interests. It includes caring just as much for someone after knowing their habits and their flaws and how you interact with one another after you've become comfortable, or maybe you never even reach comfortable. Hormones and brain activity when you first start dating someone or getting to know them is higher just because of that rush you get when you know someone likes you back. But the real deal comes when you interact with them on a deeper level, when you have conflict (not arguments, but conflict. an important distinction), and when you actually get to thinking what your life would be with them. This is my somewhat not at all coherent definition of romantic love. I actually have no idea what it is or what it feels like and I'm really hoping one day it just hits me and I'll know but who knows, maybe for me it'll be something that I need to think about and realize rather than just feel. That so defeats everything that fairytales and Disney movies have ever told us, huh? I really want to know what it feels like and I hope one day someone will feel it for me.

It's interesting because I see love from my dad to my mom and my mom to my dad in two very different ways. My dad to my mom is that he can't get mad at her for very long and he does everything he can to keep her happy all the time. My mom to my dad is that she gets mad at him all the time for not taking care of himself or doing things that may not be in his best interest that he doesn't really care about but she does. She's also completely dependent on him, absolutely and completely. It's a very strange but interesting dynamic to watch and analyze, but it's love that developed after marriage because it was arranged. Obviously growing up in America, I have a much more idealistic, romanticized idea of what I want love to be like, but we'll see how that works out when I get there. As for the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone, I wrote a paper on that last semester in Writing 101 and I can definitely show you if you care haha. But all in all, I think love has so many different definitions, not just describing romantic love, but also familial love and friend love and love of a place or thing or smell or just an intangible feeling. It's really hard to cover it all without getting boring and long in a blog, but definitely a conversation I'd like to have with anyone who is interested.

Anyway, time to study for my midterm. Peace out.

Oh and here's a picture to add color to this post. If you haven't bought Awaaz tickets yet, do it NOW. Actually tomorrow because the ticket office is closed but you get my point.




And here's me at my first garba. It was so so much fun, y'all who didn't come out better come next year.




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2 Responses so far.

  1. Udit says:

    Thanks for not having a picture with me....

  2. Sonal says:

    THANKS FOR NOT BEING THERE.

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