Fearless

My life feels... really different. No duh, Sonal, your present is your present, it's not your past. I don't know if it's because the classes that I'm taking are all wonderful and interesting, or that I'm finally starting to figure out what I want to do with my life or that I'm keeping busy and not giving myself enough time to think, or that everything is going so agreeably well that I don't need to write. The people in my TED talks class discuss having self evaluations every end of the year or semester, but this is something that I do on almost a weekly basis. For example, there are so many things I could be doing right now because I have midterms coming up and I have to read for lab and so on and so forth but instead I'm writing because I haven't written in a while and it makes me sad. 

I think I'm in far enough into sophomore year to make an evaluation. Things feel different, obviously; I live on West where it's so difficult to see people unless you're intentional about it, we have unlimited food points and not enough sustainable (vegetarian) food on campus, I've had a surprising amount of free time which I think is because I'm not taking orgo anymore, and we have froyo on campus (very important). But one of the biggest things that has changed is the people. There were those friend groups that we were so sure weren't going to fall apart, but seem to be doing just that. It's sad, but not a bad thing, something that happens. It's something that you look back and say, that was a good time in our lives and there will be many more to come. I won't say that it wasn't partly because of me either, because it was. Nowadays you can tell when a friend group is breaking apart as the GroupMe for it starts decreasing in frequency of posts. Not to say we're all not still friends, because we are. It's just not the same community feel, you know? 

I would have been more upset about it if I didn't have others to fall back on, but I do. I have my block, who are so chill and lovely to come back to at night, even if I don't see them, I know they're there. I have Dhoom kids, who I'm starting to become much closer to, one by one, which is the way that I do it best. I'd love to get to know all of them on a very personal level but this method is working for me so far (the method being that I kidnap them, tie them up in the corner of a dark room in Perkins and force them to talk to me for two hours. i'm kidding, that was a joke). And third I'm playing a more prominent role in the sophomore Indian community, which pretty much entails that I know at least who half of them are and at least a quarter of them know who I am. It's not creepy, just trust. I like them, they're fun. I've never really had a lot of Indian friends and it's kinda nice to be able to culturally relate to so many people all at once. 

I'm eating a slice of chocolate cake right now. I regret nothing. 

I was talking to a friend the other day about why some of us need friend "groups" and some of us are fine just floating around between different people who we may be particularly close to, but nonetheless not in a group with. I think I've always been someone who has needed a group of friends as opposed to floating around. Honestly, I'm not positive why that is. I think there's something about the dynamics of groups that make it more secure. A friend group, I think, defined as 3+ people, allows you to be together and share a lot of different experiences and perspectives, sometimes being able to just talk and sometimes just listen, in a setting where each person is comfortable around each other person, as opposed to a group with random individuals of your friends just thrown together. There are multiple people who've got your back, and I think there's just some kind of assurance in that. 

But the thing is that I don't like big groups either. I like groups, but only ones that I become very comfortable in, probably 8-9 people tops, and that too 8-9 people who get along very well with one another. It's not like I don't love having random very close friends that don't belong to a friend group that I'm in, because I do, but that sense of community makes you feel wanted and like you belong somewhere. Honestly, I think this is a feeling that as you mature you probably grow out of. I think when I'm fully matured at about age 21, I won't feel like I need this anymore, but for now, it is what it is. I wish my life was just Friends. 

I'm also not uncomfortable being alone anymore, which was a big concern last year. Really only on Friday and Saturday nights is when I don't want to be by myself because there's so many other things that I could be doing that'd be more fun. I've also started studying in my room a lot more, which is something I didn't do very much last year. I think it was because everyone I knew was always going to the library, so that is naturally what I started to do as well. Honestly though, I need this separation of "home" and "school." I like having some place to come back to after a long day and relaxing the environment a little to do work. It's a place that will never be full, always has your name written on it, literally. That's another great thing about Edens, it creates that separation between school and home that I realize that I find really important to me. I can spend every weeknight (except Friday) alone in my room doing work and I would be fine with that. I think that's another skill that comes with maturity and habituation to a certain environment. Finally, a year into this funny time called college, I've habituated.

I have so much shit to dooooo Sonal whaaaattt are you doinggg

I'm sick, but life is good. I love Chinese, it's arguably my favorite class this semester, with my neuro class close behind. Multi is just multi, my lab is just lab, and I'm keeping busy. I have a midterm Friday so Ima peace out. Bye y'all. Hit me up for lunch or dinner sometime, anyone at all. I eat alone way too much... No I'm not a loner, just trust.

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