Fearless

Before Corpus Christi Day 1: Port Aransas Day 2: Port Aransas and Corpus Christi Day 3: South Padre Island In other news:   Sometimes you just don't feel like writing, you know? 

Every song that I've listened to in the past week or so I've felt. Not just that it touched me emotionally, but I've felt it in movement. I've wanted to dance to it and move to it. It's really amazing the effect that music has on us, whether it be nostalgia or tears or excitement or whatever else. Once again I've been reminded how important dance and music is to me just for expression and letting myself go. It's not very often that I let myself do that, you know. I let myself be taken by the emotions because a song will only manipulate them for 5 minutes max. The people we surround ourselves with will manipulate, knowingly or unknowingly, our emotions for our entire lives. It's a frightening prospect. So I put up a fight. I try not to let myself be taken by people, but sometimes they get through anyway.  I've been feeling those feelings lately where I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm finally starting to understand why it's so dif...

You are thrust into a forest For no fault of your own but believing We fear even when there's nothing to fear The forest is safe They say everyone who has been exiled has returned But the darkness is still there Inescapable at that moment in time Time drags And when you are released It seems that everything has remained unchanged in your absence People still feel the same way they felt The wind still blows The sun still shines And eventually you return to the unchangedness too Having been changed still.

I don't understand why it's becoming so difficult to fight myself, why words and gestures are starting to make me feel uncomfortable. I used to be so strong about controlling my feelings and queasiness, probably because there used to be nothing so major to affect me and I was a kid. It scares me to start feeling like I'm not as strong as I thought, and the more I learn about these involuntary neurological disorders and other diseases that outnumber the voluntary, the more I feel lost. That feeling when something affects you so strongly but you can't push it away and you can't fight it. I used to be able to detach myself but now everything sticks. A woman came into the clinic today for a follow up about tremors in her arm that she was having. She denied pain but said when the doctor pushed down on her muscles that they were "tender." Okay fine. She must have repeated at least 50 times as he put pressure and she winced that it was only tender. That was ki...

While this summer is passing by rather quickly and picking up a great sort of productive rhythm, there are still some things that I'm struggling with quite a bit. I've learned a handful of things and set some personal goals already this summer. Here goes. 1. I know they always tell you to ask questions no matter how trivial they may seem (aka how stupid they may be) and I totally accepted that but I never really seemed to apply it. I still had this hesitation. But after spending just three weeks with the doctor I'm shadowing, I have probably asked more questions than I asked all my professors my whole freshman year combined. And the fact is, unsurprisingly, I understand most of what he's saying and I keep wanting to know more. Curiosity for me tends to stay in my head and learning to express it is starting to become easier, I hope. Speaking of curiosity, my sister had an evolution project at school and so I taught her a lot of the things I have learned over the years a...

Sometimes my family has those habits that drive me insane and I have those moments where I just wish they were different. Like for example, my mom over-dramatizes everything and yells at me to do things that I've probably already done or thought that I had done but clearly not to her liking. She's also insanely overprotective and doesn't let me eat watermelon at night (because it's cold apparently, um hi we live in Texas). And then my sister -- drama queen #2 in the family, asks more questions than you probably thought existed in the English language, likes to follow me around, and doesn't know when to actually take no for an answer.  My dad, etc. etc. Point being, I realize that I probably have my own traits that drive them crazy too. Like not giving my sister enough attention, waking up at 11 every morning, etc. I have so many flaws and don't I know it. I also realize that while I have those momentary lapses where I wish these habits didn't exist in my fa...

I've always been bad at talking to people on the phone. I think it's something about how I can't see them and so even though I can hear their voice, I can't see the body language that goes with it. For someone who uses quite a bit of body language when I speak and make these weird sounds between words, I feel like it takes away from what I have to say when that can't be read along with my words. Talking via text and IM is different; I tend to not have conversations that are terribly important over Facebook and text. And I get time to think when I'm typing things which many a times makes me sound a lot funnier than I think I actually am. This is why I never did debate: I'm terrible at thinking on the spot. Even when I'm having a long philosophical or life-talk with someone, there's always this long pause that I need before I speak to straighten up my jumbled thoughts. I kinda wish I didn't have to do that, but meh. What can you do? I was saying...