Fearless

My sister just put her head in my lap before falling asleep for school tomorrow and broke down crying. Crying that it wasn't fair that everyone else got to see their brothers and sisters every day and I was 500 miles away. Crying that she couldn't come home from school and have me waiting there for her and "not care" about everything she told me about her day and have me laugh at the silly dances she did or have me sing while she plays Disney songs on the piano. Crying that she didn't want me to leave on Saturday. And here I am crying because I don't really want to either.

Maybe this is something that everyone has already known but I just now realized it but I love my family so much. I know I've been so bipolar about my family in the past two years and I've felt the repercussions of that too, but I feel like something hit me when I came home this time. I feel so much of the pain they feel, every bit of stress from handling family conflict and work drama and responsibilities of the home. My intention coming home originally was that I would help out so much and do everything they ever told me to do that I never did when I came home like chores without being asked and whining about it and spending quality time with my grandma and being nice to my sister just to prove them wrong about the things that I was capable of and show them that I was more responsible and be taken seriously now that I was older. Who would have known that I would come out of these two weeks at home loving every minute of every moment that I spent at home, not feeling suffocated for even a second the way that I do every time that I came home for break. That I would be crying about leaving my sister on my last day home before August. That I would be worried about my parents dealing with all their stress without me there to help out. That I would be so keen on finding my grandma a hobby so that she wouldn't just be roaming around the house all day. It's not only that I've loved being praised for being such a good girl this time, but more than that I've so enjoyed just being able to give my parents a bit of a rest from all that they have to do and the stress they have to bear. I like putting smiles on their faces. I like making them proud of me. I love them so much. 

I've never felt family the way I have in these past two weeks. It sounds like something super dramatic and something I'm sure you're wondering why I would start to feel just now in this game of life, but I really have never enjoyed my family and will miss them as much as I will this time. Especially with my sister, I have gotten so much closer and appreciate her and love her so much more. We watched home videos today and I was reminded of how cute she was when she was a 5 year old, running around the house with never-ending energy dancing and singing for the video camera. The past, maybe 7 or 8 years, I just didn't want to be around her at all, both a consequence of me being a teenager and her being at the age where she wanted to do everything that I did and wanted everything I got. But now that I'm starting to understand the value of people that I am close to, she is possibly my favorite person in the whole world. I love her so much. So so much. My life would not be as wonderful and as complete without her in my life.

One of the biggest things for me I realized is that no matter how many people may put me down in my life or not see the value in things that I do, I know she will still think I'm the greatest ever. I know it sounds cocky and selfish maybe, but I'm crying just thinking about it. There's a kind of affection and respect I get from her that I don't feel like I can get from anyone else. Having someone who will laugh at anything and everything I say and work hard to put a smile on my face too, despite the occasional arguments, is so amazing. While it is a lot of pressure, it's a wonderful feeling knowing that I do have such a big influence on someone's life, to make it better and to teach understanding and life skills. Knowing that she is my responsibility to raise as a productive member of society as much as my parents is amazing. And this crying fest we just had before she fell asleep where she cried and I tried to comfort her while trying to hold back my own tears but having them stream anyways just made me more than ever realize how much I mean to her and how much she means to me. A year ago, she might've cried this way to me, but I don't think I would cried too. 

And before she fell asleep, between sniffles she asked me, "Do you promise it'll be okay?"
And I said, "I promise."

Categories: , ,

2 Responses so far.

  1. Anonymous says:

    love the sentiment (: I guess we're at that age where we can understand and appreciate so much more than we did before

Leave a Reply