Fearless

This week is the first week in a really long time, maybe ever, that I have literally nothing to do. I've watched at least 30 episodes of Friends in the past three days and felt like an absolute potato. So tomorrow I'm going to man up and go make some food and run a little and clean my room and stuff. It sucks that everyone is busy the week I'm just sitting around. I've still been just been by myself all day, even though the weather is beautiful. I just don't know what to do with myself.

The past couple months more than ever I've felt multiple occasions of the sentiment towards multiple people that goes, "Wow, you really fucked this up for me. You've sucked the enjoyment out of something I love because of the way you've handled it. Thanks a lot." Unfortunately, you can't say this to people because it is socially unacceptable and will often end your relationships with them. 

The great hopes and plans and the fun I remember from last year that I had for and with my dance team have been diminished as of late because being a leader is difficult work. The logistics part of it, not at all, I could handle all the numbers and mixes and stuff myself if I had to, but it's the reality that not everyone on the team will like you and/or your leadership style that is hard to accept. Not everyone will like you: that lesson took me a long time to learn back in high school and I still haven't completely accepted it. Getting disapproval from the people who are important to me is really difficult and my team is really is important to me. As are my parents.

I can't bring myself to love it as much as I once did because some of the enjoyment has been retracted from it. It's antagonizing. I always thought that being a leader would make me love the group ten times more because you have a say and you have a direction in which you have the ability to lead it. But if you're not working with people you're compatible with or in an environment that suits you, it can be more draining than it is exciting. Sometimes I wish I was just another member on the team again like last year because I had a lot more fun than I am right now. My motivation has decreased immensely in the past few weeks and I feel like I need something to happen to give me a boost. And I guess this is one of the reasons I'm a bit glad I didn't end up running for Awaaz co-chair: because like my friend who was co-chair this past year, I probably would've ended up hating it at the end. It's funny how your ideals can be so different from what eventually becomes reality. 
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Okay now some good news.

The more I learn about the brain, the more I know that I made the right decision in choosing neuroscience as my major. I might not be sure about anything about my future, but I am sure that I will be dedicating my life in some way to learning about and helping the human brain. It is one thing that I love and I can more and more say that I am truly passionate about. I remember last year when we had to read scientific papers in Neuro101 and I had no idea what I was reading and really started to question if I should go into neuroscience because I hated reading all of these papers and not understanding what they meant. Now, after taking Fundamentals of Neuroscience where we read a paper a week and have a very well organized discussion about it and I understand the results and conclusions, I am not only amazed at the things that these papers have found, but also confirmed in my major declaration decision. Pre-med on the other hand... I'm still a bit wishy washy on even though I say that I'm trying to convince myself that I'm in it to the end. Sigh. I don't want to convince myself of something that will cost me my entire life, but I feel like this story is just never going to end. If I wanted to do yet another thing to make my parents disapprove of me, I could stop being pre med. But why push the envelope, huh, might as well just stay and fulfill something they wanted of me. It makes me want to cry, having to choose a career like that. 

Reminder: let your kids do whatever the hell they want to do as long as it involves at least 4 years of college, joining the film industry, or becoming the next Bill Gates (that's the alternative to not finishing college) and as long as it doesn't involve criminal activity, getting married and feeding off of a spouse, or just living in your house for the rest of their lives. 

I feel like I'm becoming increasingly negative but also increasingly girly (you don't know unless we hang out). Need to work on that. Because the weather is beautiful, and my friends are wonderful, and my future is bright so no need to be worrying about everything. The Yerkes-Dodson law (just learned about it today!) says everyone has an optimum level of stress at which they perform the best. Too little or too much and you're not doing the best you can. It's all about finding your optimum. 

One Response so far.

  1. Anonymous says:

    :) that was sweet. I guess were at the age where we begin to understand optimism as a state of maturity.

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