Fearless

And so we're done the year and I feel like I literally just wrote an end of the year reflection post but it's crazy that it's been 365 days since then. So here goes. Some things I've done in 2013: > Brought up my grades > Kissed and swam with dolphins > Snorkeling > Walked from West to East Campus in snow and ice > Joined a dance team that reminded me why I love to dance > Became a Cameron Crazie at Cameron Stadium > Finished taking orgo forever > Took a photo with Aladdin and Jasmine > Shadowed a neurologist > Bought a snapback > Watched Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham 3 more times > Spent Thanksgiving with my best friend > Roadtripped to New Jersey > Performed in my first Awaaz > Developed a better relationship with my sister > Made some new, super close friends > Found love(: And some things I've learned in 2013: > First relationships tend to be more about finding out what you want and don't...

Conflict lies where you don't know whether to let yourself remember or not. Remembering feels so good, feeling can feel so good, but you know it'll be bittersweet because it'll just leave you aching when the hole in your heart that you never knew existed expands to swallow up every other thought you're trying to have and leaves you with only the one that pains you. We want sweatshirts and music and memories to remember them by because the smell and the tune and the emotions make us feel wonderful. But then comes heavy breathing and loss of focus because there's nothing we can do to get them back at this point in time when we need them most. I'm being overdramatic, I know, it sounds like it in words. But you know what this feels like. Missing someone so much that it hurts, missing him so much that it's no longer a pleasant feeling, like missing can sometimes be. It feels like someone is squeezing your lungs and won't let enough air into them. And that su...

So I've only been really jealous once before in my life, but it's coming like a wave again but on a much different subject. Jealousy is a really weird feeling. You know inside that you really have nothing to be jealous about, that your abilities or life is just as good as anyone else's and that although you can pinpoint a reason or cause, it's something that you know not to be truly, only superficially true. From how I see it, the person you're jealous of either knows you are or not, and you're either friends with them or not. If you're friends with them, you start to become angry or distant because you hold animosity for no fault of their own. If you're not friends with them, it's just kind of weird because you don't really have any basis to hold animosity and you don't really dislike them, but you still kind of do, also for no fault of their own. Or at least this is the way it is seeming to happen for me. I'm not a bad jealous person, ...

I'm sometimes not sure if I want to grow up faster or I don't want to grow up at all. It's not like I'm not enjoying the time that I have at college, because trust me, I'm enjoying it to the max. Sometimes it just feels like the perks of being older are so close but so far away. I want to be old enough that my parents will take the decisions I make completely seriously. I want to be old enough that I have an academic and social life set for me. And it sounds really hypocritical, but I am very much enjoying the process to get there, college is great. Sometimes I wish I was already at the result. I wish my brain was fully mature so they believed me when I talked about how a great of a guy he is and how we're really good together. I mean, the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex that determines our sophisticated behavior is pretty much fully matured at around age 20, and okay I'm not there yet, but he's there, he's almost 20. If you think about it neurologic...

I just watched two very powerful TED talks in my house course, which I would absolutely recommend to people in future semesters if you're looking to take a really chill course with a blurred line between work and self and world reflection. The first was the Power of Vulnerability by Brene Brown . And I rant. Vulnerability, even though I still can't completely wrap my head around it's personal meaning to me, after our class discussion resonates with me most as a two fold definition. There's one way of being vulnerable in that you don't worry what other people think about you and allow yourself to take the risk that what you are telling them is something that they won't judge you about. You find joy when they don't but you still allow yourself to take the risk that they will. The other vulnerability is deeper; it is struggling with letting your inner thoughts and feelings be shared with others. This one is less about outward action and "putting yoursel...

I'm starting to understand where the term sophomore slump comes from. Everything is static and unchanging; every weekend and every day is the same routine. I know after the summer I really wanted routine again and I'm glad that I have it, but now everything is comfortable and settled and boring . Thankfully, the slump is not affecting my grades, but I feel like it is affecting my social life. I'm at the point of contentment and monotony and I'm so content that it makes me dissatisfied. And then there's the other thing I'm with or without reason a bit worried about: will not seeing each other as much weaken relationships? I know I've talked about this already, but this doesn't just apply to friendships, but also family relationships and romantic relationships. I'm worried about myself emotionally and if I'll be able to handle this loss of group dynamics that is clearly more prevalent in high school than college and the dependencies that I'm...

I'm starting to develop this fear that if I hang out with only one person or one group of people for too long and don't spend enough time with all of my other friends, one day when I turn around, they won't be there anymore. Last year I dedicated my time to everyone and it's becoming gradually more difficult to balance and be intentional. But I was so good at being intentional, so what happened? I'll tell you what happened. I started dating and now all I want to do is spend time with him but that's stupid because I actually really want to spend quality, late night talk time with my other friends too but when I'm free they're busy and I can never seem to find the balance. Sometimes I'm not really sure what to do anymore because I've gradually taught myself to listen to what my emotions are telling me to do, but there are these friends that I can't imagine becoming distant from. I love every moment of every day that I've spent, but then wh...