Fearless

And so we're done the year and I feel like I literally just wrote an end of the year reflection post but it's crazy that it's been 365 days since then. So here goes. Some things I've done in 2013: > Brought up my grades > Kissed and swam with dolphins > Snorkeling > Walked from West to East Campus in snow and ice > Joined a dance team that reminded me why I love to dance > Became a Cameron Crazie at Cameron Stadium > Finished taking orgo forever > Took a photo with Aladdin and Jasmine > Shadowed a neurologist > Bought a snapback > Watched Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham 3 more times > Spent Thanksgiving with my best friend > Roadtripped to New Jersey > Performed in my first Awaaz > Developed a better relationship with my sister > Made some new, super close friends > Found love(: And some things I've learned in 2013: > First relationships tend to be more about finding out what you want and don't...

Conflict lies where you don't know whether to let yourself remember or not. Remembering feels so good, feeling can feel so good, but you know it'll be bittersweet because it'll just leave you aching when the hole in your heart that you never knew existed expands to swallow up every other thought you're trying to have and leaves you with only the one that pains you. We want sweatshirts and music and memories to remember them by because the smell and the tune and the emotions make us feel wonderful. But then comes heavy breathing and loss of focus because there's nothing we can do to get them back at this point in time when we need them most. I'm being overdramatic, I know, it sounds like it in words. But you know what this feels like. Missing someone so much that it hurts, missing him so much that it's no longer a pleasant feeling, like missing can sometimes be. It feels like someone is squeezing your lungs and won't let enough air into them. And that su...

So I've only been really jealous once before in my life, but it's coming like a wave again but on a much different subject. Jealousy is a really weird feeling. You know inside that you really have nothing to be jealous about, that your abilities or life is just as good as anyone else's and that although you can pinpoint a reason or cause, it's something that you know not to be truly, only superficially true. From how I see it, the person you're jealous of either knows you are or not, and you're either friends with them or not. If you're friends with them, you start to become angry or distant because you hold animosity for no fault of their own. If you're not friends with them, it's just kind of weird because you don't really have any basis to hold animosity and you don't really dislike them, but you still kind of do, also for no fault of their own. Or at least this is the way it is seeming to happen for me. I'm not a bad jealous person, ...

I'm sometimes not sure if I want to grow up faster or I don't want to grow up at all. It's not like I'm not enjoying the time that I have at college, because trust me, I'm enjoying it to the max. Sometimes it just feels like the perks of being older are so close but so far away. I want to be old enough that my parents will take the decisions I make completely seriously. I want to be old enough that I have an academic and social life set for me. And it sounds really hypocritical, but I am very much enjoying the process to get there, college is great. Sometimes I wish I was already at the result. I wish my brain was fully mature so they believed me when I talked about how a great of a guy he is and how we're really good together. I mean, the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex that determines our sophisticated behavior is pretty much fully matured at around age 20, and okay I'm not there yet, but he's there, he's almost 20. If you think about it neurologic...

I just watched two very powerful TED talks in my house course, which I would absolutely recommend to people in future semesters if you're looking to take a really chill course with a blurred line between work and self and world reflection. The first was the Power of Vulnerability by Brene Brown . And I rant. Vulnerability, even though I still can't completely wrap my head around it's personal meaning to me, after our class discussion resonates with me most as a two fold definition. There's one way of being vulnerable in that you don't worry what other people think about you and allow yourself to take the risk that what you are telling them is something that they won't judge you about. You find joy when they don't but you still allow yourself to take the risk that they will. The other vulnerability is deeper; it is struggling with letting your inner thoughts and feelings be shared with others. This one is less about outward action and "putting yoursel...

I'm starting to understand where the term sophomore slump comes from. Everything is static and unchanging; every weekend and every day is the same routine. I know after the summer I really wanted routine again and I'm glad that I have it, but now everything is comfortable and settled and boring . Thankfully, the slump is not affecting my grades, but I feel like it is affecting my social life. I'm at the point of contentment and monotony and I'm so content that it makes me dissatisfied. And then there's the other thing I'm with or without reason a bit worried about: will not seeing each other as much weaken relationships? I know I've talked about this already, but this doesn't just apply to friendships, but also family relationships and romantic relationships. I'm worried about myself emotionally and if I'll be able to handle this loss of group dynamics that is clearly more prevalent in high school than college and the dependencies that I'm...

I'm starting to develop this fear that if I hang out with only one person or one group of people for too long and don't spend enough time with all of my other friends, one day when I turn around, they won't be there anymore. Last year I dedicated my time to everyone and it's becoming gradually more difficult to balance and be intentional. But I was so good at being intentional, so what happened? I'll tell you what happened. I started dating and now all I want to do is spend time with him but that's stupid because I actually really want to spend quality, late night talk time with my other friends too but when I'm free they're busy and I can never seem to find the balance. Sometimes I'm not really sure what to do anymore because I've gradually taught myself to listen to what my emotions are telling me to do, but there are these friends that I can't imagine becoming distant from. I love every moment of every day that I've spent, but then wh...

My life feels... really different. No duh, Sonal, your present is your present, it's not your past. I don't know if it's because the classes that I'm taking are all wonderful and interesting, or that I'm finally starting to figure out what I want to do with my life or that I'm keeping busy and not giving myself enough time to think, or that everything is going so agreeably well that I don't need to write. The people in my TED talks class discuss having self evaluations every end of the year or semester, but this is something that I do on almost a weekly basis. For example, there are so many things I could be doing right now because I have midterms coming up and I have to read for lab and so on and so forth but instead I'm writing because I haven't written in a while and it makes me sad.  I think I'm in far enough into sophomore year to make an evaluation. Things feel different, obviously; I live on West where it's so difficult to see peopl...

How are you today? Happy? Good. I would hope so. So I'm in this really awesome class about TED Talks and literally all we do is go in, watch two or three talks, and then discuss them as a group. It's a course taught by students so it's super relaxed and I get a half credit for doing something I probably would do on my own time! There were two talks in particular that I feel, if you get the chance, are definitely worth a watch. You might've seen this one before, Sarah Kay on the power of spoken word. First off, her spoken word at the beginning is beautiful written and performed and her metaphors are new and strong. Then she goes on to describe how she's used spoken word in classrooms with kids and with adults to help them express themselves. She says that she uses spoken word to figure things out, so that when she gets to the end of a poem, she's discovered something that she didn't know before. This is something that I relate to strongly, but with my...

I remember in middle school and high school when we complained we had too much work to do and ended up actually complaining more than actually doing work. It's not like we don't do that anymore, but definitely not in the same way and not nearly as much. Today is probably one of the most productive days of my life. I had a pre-health volunteering interview at 9, then Chinese at 11:45, then another interview at 1:30, then went to talk to the lab that I'm dying to get into at 2, class coming up at 3, another class at 6:15, and then hopefully finish the day off with a shit ton of homework and getting ahead so that I can chill this weekend. I finally feel like a productive member of the Duke society, like the school couldn't get rid of me even if it wanted to. I like being completely busy during the day, always doing something. I like walking with a purpose, with good posture and medium to high speed. The people who walk extra slowly down the pathway taking up the entir...

When I was around 14, my sister was taking dance classes at a local Bollywood dance studio. I can't remember why, but I asked my mom if I could take dance classes too and she was shocked at first because she never thought I would ever do anything performance related. I was a pretty shy kid. So I joined the class and for the first month or two was very awkward and tight and reserved with my movements. I performed at my 8th grade talent show with a friend and I think, even though in retrospect it was not very good at all, that first on stage performance was what made me want to keep dancing. Hearing people applaud for movement you have created with your body, or anything at all that you have created actually, is one of the best feelings I've ever felt. My first year of learning dance, my parents always told me that I was very stiff, that I was too focused on getting the steps right as opposed to having fun and looking like I was enjoying myself. I was enjoying myself though, but...

I don't know if there's a word for that feeling you get when you can't decide if something feels good or bad or right or wrong. You know that you feel something, but can't decide emotionally if it's good or bad. I mean, sure, you can analyze it and look at the pros and the cons and ultimately make a decision for or against, but it's hard to figure out what exactly it is that you simply feel. Sometimes when things become different than they were, it can be good but also feel sad or nostalgic. I experienced this when I visited Jersey to see my friends this summer. My interactions and conversations with some of them felt much different than before, but for a good reason: I had changed as a person, as I'm sure they did as well, by becoming more secure in the person that I am, not questioning my inherent personality because of what others have to say about it. Still, having things be different than they used to is sad because I still had great times and I'm ...

So it's been two days since classes have restarted and a week and three days since I've gotten back to school. Clearly I've been having so much fun that I didn't have time to blog. This year is definitely going to be much busier than last year, I'm already overwhelmed by dates and times and places that I need to remember to go to. I need to find a better system to keep track of all of it. I think it's time to start using Google Calendar.  It's going to start again where after every post I say that I should really be doing homework rather than writing the post. Except this year it won't be orgo, it'll be Chinese or multi. And this is in fact the main reason it will be an even better year than last year. I kid. It will also be better because I know where to find my opportunities and how to keep busy and the good study spots and my friend groups are set and I don't have to take the bus as much and I know much more about time management and I ...

So as I'm sure you've noticed at this point, I recently underwent a website makeover in the span of a night. I found new templates on this site for Blogger and I love the very minimalistic, photoblogging based themes. Photos just make everything better, so I picked something that was very photo friendly, even though I don't really photoblog. The changing background is filled with some of my favorite shots that I've taken/of me and my intent is that you could go click on that Home button, just stare at the screen for about 15 seconds, and feel a handful of different emotions in that span of time. The photos make me feel all these very different emotions because of the colors, the settings, and the memories that I have attached to them. It's pretty cool to just sit back and watch and feel yourself feel, you know? Otherwise, I think it's all still pretty easy to navigate, you just click on the blog link on the side and it's pretty much the same as always. Fun...

T-minus 9 days to Duke. I am so ready. Exactly 4 months ago, an amazing guy asked me out. I'm super excited to see him in 15 days as well(: This week I've spent in New Jersey, the place I've lived in for almost my entire life until it was unwillingly ripped away from me when Dell decided to give my dad a job in redneck Texas. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating. South Jersey is a beautiful place, though many of you may not agree because you've never actually been here and have been instead misled by pop culture and generalizations. You can go read all those Jersey buzzfeed posts. Being back in Jersey was surreal; I felt like I was returning somewhere familiar in a dream and it all passed by with a blur. I don't know what it is about nostalgia that does that to us.  There were very few people I wanted to see when I visited in the first place. I realized that the friends that were close were few and even they were busy with their ambitions this summer. The few peo...

I just don't even. We clearly have too much time on our hands. So I finally cut my nails all nice and repainted them. I should probably get back in the habit now that I'm not going to be sitting around the house all day anymore. Three short weeks left until I get back to good ol' Duke. Also, only about 5 days until I get to go back to wonderful New Jersey and see my friends and my school and the park and Wawa and Rita's, oh my. So excited. It's actually dark purple and not black. It's so hard having nice nail polish on because then I don't want to do anything to mess them up and so I just stop doing everything. Including typi

It isn't until this year that I fully experienced the phenomenon that they call the mood swing.  Maybe it's not the first time I've fully experienced it, but rather the first time I've been able to recognize my changing emotions about certain things at certain times and how I can feel seven different ways about one topic in the span of a week. An example. In the past week, I have felt the following emotions about my academic future and career path: determined, excited, confused, pessimistic, optimistic, frustrated, upset, confident, motivated, and hopeless. No, I was not on my period. Another example. In the past week, I have felt the following emotions about spending the majority of my summer with my sister: annoyed, disappointed, gratified, content, unsatisfied, and like I just want to give her hugs all the time. With so many feelings, it's hard to tell which ones are the real ones and which ones are just there because it's "that time of night" or ...

Sometimes I'm afraid that my dreams aren't big enough. That I should be wishing and hoping for so much more than I am. I'd like to say that I'm ambitious, but maybe I just don't believe in my own dreams. Like I don't believe that I could make them come true. I feel like my goals are too "mainstream," things that aren't up to the level of what I expect of myself. And then there's the people telling me not to look at my goals relative to other people's goals, which is probably good advice, but it's hard. Most of the time at Duke, I feel like I'm just not shooting high enough or I've fallen behind so how will I get myself back into the race. But here are two things that I just realized: 1) It's never too late to do the best that I can to bring myself back, this is precisely what happened to me in high school. It just took a while for me to get fully adjusted. And 2) Why am I even bothering myself with being in this race? Part ...