Fearless

I realize that I have constantly, since college began, been trying to define myself with modifiers - dancer, artist, baker, study neuroscience, etc etc. In my head passions were the things that stuck and defined who you are. But a friend I recently met suggested to me that passions can be fluid; they can come and go and ebb and flow as life moves forward. It doesn't make it an any less important part of your life. I suppose it is almost how relationships in your life come and go, but the lessons you learn from them and the emotions that were once there don't become any less significant. My passions are not invalidated if my life moves on to something new. But it does mean I didn't give myself the time to excel at any of it, which is always the thing that throws me off and frustrates me. Life moves too fast sometimes and I can't keep up. Medical school starts in exactly ONE day and I feel far from prepared. I had a wonderful but surreal month in Kunshan, made some ama

When I arrived at the PVG Shanghai airport on Thursday, a wave of relief swept over me. Yes, I've been to Shanghai only twice before, but it's something about China. It makes me happy, fulfilled. It is comfortable. Memories of standing by the Wai Tan over the Shanghai skyline at night and drinking tea with my host mom in Zhuhai in the evenings and my group of students winning the Changshu scavenger hunt fill my mind whenever I breathe in the air. Although I feel comfortable and nostalgic being in China, it also saddens me because so much of this language that I love is slipping away slowly from my mind. I think wistful  is the perfect word to describe it. Waiting for our car after dinner tonight, standing on the side of the road as bright Chinese mall signs around us lit up a dark night sky, I was sad. I took deep breaths, taking in air that smelled familiar, the way that sandalwood does in India. Learning Chinese for me has meant being able to communicate with an addition

Clearly, I've neglected to write this year, and here I am again almost exactly 1 full year later hoping that writing will help quell my anxieties and help me make sense of the things that have happened this year. This is the last week I have at home before I more or less start with the next chapter of my life - medical school. I spent my gap year on three things specifically: my clinical knowledge, my family and myself. It was refreshing to spend time doing things I loved, without the time limitations and weight of a project deadline or homework assignment due the next day or preparation for an exam. I traveled to see my friends and to see the world. I got closer to my mom this year, and now we're going to have trouble leaving each other. My job as a scribe in a Rheumatology clinic was truly valuable and I loved the diversity and comfort of the people whom I worked with. There, I saw an environment I knew that I could thrive in. Even after a year in Rheumatology, I'v

Today I want to write about something that is a bit more personal than most things I write. It's something I think about almost every night when I slip into bed and often fall asleep with these thoughts in my head. Relationships. I remember how it felt in high school: having a year long crush on the same guy and wanting to be in a relationship - mostly for the sake of being in a relationship. Things felt like they would be so much better and happier if someone cared for me romantically. My self-worth was so defined by the way that others saw me, particularly boys. If boys didn't "like like" me, it meant something was wrong with me. Yes, in retrospect, it sounds horrible, but let's be honest with ourselves, a lot of the time that is how we felt. I hated feeling that way, I knew it was wrong, but I craved attention from a guy. I wanted to feel wanted in that way. Yes, raging hormones and the whole adolescence ordeal was happening too, but I never really thought

This title is relevant in so many different ways right now. I'm sitting around at home, job searching, watching TV, wasting time. You know the feeling we have during college when you wake up on a Monday morning and you know your week will be productive in one way or another because you have classes to go to and extracurricular meetings to attend? You wish that you had some time just to sit back and relax. Well, I'm relaxing now and it is driving me CRAZY! It's not like I'm a workaholic who needs to be doing something all the time, but after a week or so of watching nonstop TV, I feel like I need to be filling my time with something else. I've started drawing again, started reading books, going to the gym, but what I really want is 1) a job acceptance, 2) medical school acceptances, 3) friends in Austin, and 4) somewhere to go. I have my sister, yes, but I miss having friends - college life. Maybe this is withdrawal I'm feeling - the urge to download Tinder ju

Not even going to pretend like I too busy to write for four months; I really just started watching too much television... So welcome to summer y'all, hope it's going really well for you so far. I've honestly been putting off writing about graduation and things ending because I know I'm going to get nostalgic and cry if I think about it too much. I didn't really say a true goodbye to anyone because it doesn't feel like this is the last time we will see each other. This country is big, for sure, but we find ways to get around to see the people we care about. Plus, technology is so developed now that you can always feel connected to your friends in some way or another. When I graduated as a senior in high school, I cried whenever I heard "Friends Forever" by Vitamin C. The difference between then and now is that I really think I'll be staying connected with people in college, whereas most of my high school friends have lost touch. College is whe